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THE ROSE AND THE RING;
OR, THE HISTORY OF PRINCE GIGLIO AND PRINCE BULBO. A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. BY MR. M.A. TITMARSH.
PRELUDE.
IT happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a foreign city where there were many English children. In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters those funny painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the Captain, and so on with which our young ones are wont to recreate themselves at this festive time. My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges (it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two of the best pastrycooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night characters for the amusement of our young people. She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME. Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff was received with extreme pleasure. If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of their little lives. But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as pleasant as we can. And you elder folk a little joking, and dancing, and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. M.A. TITMARSH. December, 1854.
I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST. THIS is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter which announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and leaves his august muffins untasted. "What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty the conqueror of Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" "Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. "A little bird," says Angelica. "Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. "Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with a thousand curl-papers. "I wish," growls the King "I wish Giglio was . . ." "Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. "Angelica's little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning with my early tea." "You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. "It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her Majesty. "Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," said the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper. "Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand pounds." "And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. "GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE " "Oh, sir," screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's only son." "Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear; and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the necklace, Mrs. V." Her Majesty, or Mrs. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all things ready for the princely stranger. When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the husband and father fled the pride of the king fled the MAN was alone. Had I the pen of a G.P.R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments in the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing eye, his distended nostril his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and boots. But I need not say I have not the pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, Valoroso was alone. He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup several times, and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!" "But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was a king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand, I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my nephew's, my young Giglio's ? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling boy was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and puled for pap bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?" And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a certain marriage of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a desirable union. Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick, thought "Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for the necklace and bracelets." The Princess went up into her own room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last Tuesday twelvemonth.
II.
HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT PAFLAGONIA, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort of regard of the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew a little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, the King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been sometimes rather tired of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling robe with such a thing as that on my head. No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her
youth; for though she grew rather stout in after life, yet her
features, as shown in her portrait, are certainly
pleasing. If she was
fond of flattery, scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal
gently with her infirmities, which, after all, may be no greater
than our own. She was kind to her nephew; and if she had any
scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the
The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old
statesman, who
most cheerfully swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose
hands the monarch left all the affairs of his kingdom. All
Valoroso wanted was plenty of money, plenty of hunting, plenty of
flattery, and as little trouble as possible. As long as he had
This royal pair had one only child, the Princess
Angelica, who, you may be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers'
eyes, in her parents', and in her own. It was said she had the
longest hair, the largest eyes, the slimmest waist, the smallest
foot, and the most lovely complexion of any young lady in the
Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were announced to be
even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to shame their
idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do. She
could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could
answer any one of Mangnall's Questions. She knew every date in
the history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew
French, English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew,
Would you not fancy, from this picture, that
Gruffanuff must have been a person of highest birth? She looks so
haughty that I should have thought her a princess at the very
least, with a pedigree reaching as far back as the Deluge. But
this lady was no better born than many other ladies who give
themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd
pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen
when her Majesty was
only Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but after
his death or disappearance, of which you shall hear
presently, this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and
wheedling her royal mistress, became a favorite with the Queen
(who was rather a weak woman), and her Majesty gave her a title,
and made her nursery governess to the Princess.
And now I must tell you about the princess's
learning and accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful
character. Clever Angelica certainly was, but as idle as
possible. Play at sight, indeed! she could play one or two
pieces, and pretend that she had never seen them before; she
could answer half a dozen Mangnall's Questions; but then you must
take care to ask the right ones. As for her languages,
she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than
a few phrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her
embroidery and her drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is
true, but who did them?
This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I
must go back ever so far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK.
III.
TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE BETWEEN the kingdoms of
Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a mysterious personage,
who was known in those countries as the Fairy Blackstick, from
the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which she rode to
the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or
pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. When she was
young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the
necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her skill,
whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black stick,
and conferring her fairy favors upon this Prince or that. She had
scores of royal godchildren; turned numberless wicked people into
beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, bootjacks, umbrellas,
or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one of the most
active and officious of the whole college of fairies.
But after two or three thousand years of this
sport, I suppose Blackstick grew
tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am I doing by
sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a
black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and
pearls to drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads
from another's? I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my
performances. I might as well shut my incantations up, and allow
things to take their natural course.
"There were my two young goddaughters, King
Savio's wife, and Duke Padella's wife, I gave them each a
present, which was to render them charming in the eyes of their
husbands, and secure the affection of those gentlemen as long as
they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring do these two women?
None on earth. From having all their whims indulged by their
husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly
vain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves
irresistibly beautiful, when they were really quite old and
hideous, the ridiculous creatures! They used actually to
patronize me when I went to pay them a visit; me,
the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the
necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all
their diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my
rod!" So she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined
further magical performances, and scarcely used her wand at all
except as a cane to walk about with.
So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the
Duke was at that time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim
Tartary), Blackstick, although invited to the christening, would
not so much as attend; but merely sent her compliments and a
silver papboat for the baby, which was really not worth a couple
of guineas. About the same time the Queen of Paflagonia presented
his Majesty with a son and heir; and guns were fired, the capital
illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to celebrate the young
Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was asked to be his
godmother, would at least have presented him with an invisible
jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other
valuable token of her favor; but instead, Blackstick went up to
the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him
and complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, "My poor
child, the best thing I can send you is a little
misfortune;" and this was all she would utter, to the
disgust of Giglio's parents, who died very soon after, when
Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I.
In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening
of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy
Blackstick, who had been invited, was not more gracious than in
Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was expatiating over the
beauty of the darling child, and congratulating its parents, the
Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its mother,
and said, "My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no
more minded a Queen than a washerwoman) my good woman,
these people who are following you will be the first to turn
against you; and as for this little lady, the best thing I can
wish her is a little misfortune." So she touched Rosalba
with her black wand, looked severely at the courtiers, motioned
the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly up into the
air out of the window.
When she was gone, the Court people, who had been
awed and silent in her presence, began to speak. "What an odious
Fairy she is (they said) a pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she
went to the King of Paflagonia's christening, and pretended to do
all sorts of things for that family; and what has happened
the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his throne by his
uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of her
rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!"
And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never,
never, never!"
Now, I should like to know, and how did these
fine courtiers show their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's
vassals, the Duke Padella just mentioned, rebelled against the
King, who went out to chastise his rebellious subject. "Any one
rebel against our beloved and august Monarch!" cried the
courtiers; "any one resist him! Pooh! He is invincible,
irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie him
to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 'This
is the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.'"
The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the
poor Queen, who was a very timid, anxious creature, grew so
frightened and ill that I am sorry to say she died; leaving
injunctions with her ladies to take care of the dear little
Rosalba. Of course they said they would. Of course they
vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the
Princess. At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal
stated that the King was obtaining great victories over the
audacious rebel: then it was announced that the troops of the
infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the royal
army
would soon come up with the enemy, and then then the news
came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by his
Majesty, King Padella the First!
At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay
their duty to the conquering chief, and the other half ran away,
laying hands on all the best articles in the palace; and poor
little Rosalba was left there quite alone quite alone; and
she toddled from one room to another, crying, "Countess!
Duchess!" (Only she said "Tountess, Duttess," not being able to
speak plain) "bring me my mutton sop; my Royal Highness hungy!
Tountess! Duttess!" And she went from the private apartments into
the throne-room and nobody was there; and thence into the
ballroom and nobody was there; and thence into the pages'
room and nobody was there; and she toddled down the great
staircase into the hall and nobody was there; and the door
was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and
thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the
wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more!
A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes
were found in the wood in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom
KING PADELLA and a
royal hunting party shot for he was King now, and reigned
over Crim Tartary. "So the poor little Princess is done for,"
said he; "well, what's done can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go
to luncheon!" And one of the courtiers took up the shoe and put
it in his pocket. And there was an end of Rosalba!
IV.
HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S WHEN the Princess Angelica
was born, her parents not only did not ask the Fairy Blackstick
to the christening party, but gave orders to their porter
absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name was
Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their Royal
Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say
"Not at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a
rudeness which frightened most such persons away. He was the
husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, and as
long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till
night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you
shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the
Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open
drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made
the most odious vulgar sign as he was going to slam the
door in the Fairy's face! "Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he.
"I tell you, Master and Missis ain't at home to you;" and he was,
as we have said, going to slam the door.
But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door
being shut; and Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in
the most abominable way, and asking the Fairy "whether she
thought he was a-going to stay at that there door hall day?"
"You are going to stay at that door all
day and all night, and for many a long year," the Fairy said,
very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming out of the door,
straddling before it with
For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he
felt himself rising off the ground, and fluttering up against the
door, and then, as if a screw ran into his stomach, he felt a
dreadful pain there, and was pinned to the door; and then his
arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after writhing about
wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold, cold, growing
over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said, "Oh
o h'm!" and could say no more, because he was dumb.
He was turned into metal! He was, from
being brazen, brass! He was neither more nor less than a
knocker! And
As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he
was always guzzling beer at the public-house, and notoriously
quarrelling with his wife, and in debt to the tradesmen, it was
supposed he had run away from all these evils, and emigrated to
Australia or America. And when the Prince and Princess chose to
become King and Queen, they left their old house, and nobody
thought of the porter any more.
V.
HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID.
ONE day, when the Princess
Angelica was quite a little girl, she was walking in the garden
of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the governess, holding a
parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion from the
freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans and
ducks in the royal pond.
They had not reached the duck-pond, when there
came toddling up to them such a funny little girl! She had a
great
"You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked
Mrs. Gruffanuff.
"Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely
hungy."
"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica,
and gave the child the bun.
"Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good,
how kind, how truly angelical you are! See, your Majesties," she
said to the King and Queen, who now came up, along with their
nephew, Prince Giglio, "how kind the Princess is! She met this
little dirty wretch in the garden I can't tell how she
came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at the
gate! and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the
whole of her bun!"
"I didn't want it," said Angelica.
"But you are a darling little angel all the
same," says the governess.
"Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little
girl, don't you think I am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the
finest of little dresses and hats; and, as her hair was carefully
curled, she really looked very well.
"Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl,
capering about, laughing, and dancing, and munching her bun; and
as she ate it she began to sing, "O what fun to have a plum bun!
how I wis it never was done!" At which, and her funny accent,
Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to laugh very
merrily.
"I can dance as well as sing," says the little
girl. "I can dance, and I can sing, and I can do all sorts of
ting." And she ran to a flower-bed, and pulling a few
polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made herself a
little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly and
prettily, that everybody was delighted.
"Who was your mother who were your
relations, little girl?" said the Queen.
The little girl said, "Little lion was my
brudder; great big lioness my mudder; neber heard of any udder."
And she capered away on her one shoe, and everybody was
exceedingly diverted.
So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot
flew away yesterday out of its cage, and I don't care any more
for any of my toys; and I think this funny little dirty child
will amuse me. I will take her home, and give her some of my old
frocks."
"Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff.
"Which I have worn ever so many times, and am
quite tired of," Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little
maid. Will you come home with me, little dirty girl?"
The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home
with you yes! You pooty Princess! Have a nice
dinner, and wear a new dress!"
And they all laughed again, and took home the
child to the palace, where, when she was washed and combed, and
had one of the Princess's frocks given to her, she looked as
handsome as Angelica, almost. Not that Angelica ever thought so;
for this little lady never imagined that anybody in the world
could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as herself. In order
that the little girl should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old
ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, with a
card laid upon them, upon which was written, "These were the old
clothes in which little BETSINDA was found
when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal
Highness the Princess Angelica received this little outcast." And
the date was added, and the box locked up.
For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite
with the Princess, and she danced, and sang, and made her little
rhymes, to amuse her mistress. But then the Princess got a
monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and afterwards a doll, and
did not care for Betsinda any more, who became very melancholy
and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody cared to
hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little
lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she
worked and mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was
never cross when scolded, and was always eager to please her
mistress, and was always up early and to bed late, and at hand
when wanted, and in fact became a perfect little maid. So the two
girls grew up, and, when the Princess came out, Betsinda was
never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses better than
the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. Whilst the
Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch
them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learn ing;
for she was always awake, though her mistress was not, and
listened to the wise professors when Angelica was yawning or
thinking of the next ball. And when the dancing-master came,
Betsinda learned along with Angelica; and when the music-master
came, she watched him, and practiced the Princess's pieces when
Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when the
drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and
the same with French, Italian, and
For instance, the Princess would begin a head of
a warrior, let us say, and when it was begun it was something
like this:
But when it was done, the warrior was like
V.
HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF.
AND now let us speak about
Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning monarch of Paflagonia.
It has already been stated, in page seven, that as long as he had
a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money in his
pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very
good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his
crown and sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined
to politics or any kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure.
Giglio would not learn classics or mathematics, and the Lord
Chancellor of Paflagonia, SQUARETOSO, pulled
a very long face because the Prince could not be got to study the
Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand, the
King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil;
the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and
assiduous
scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most
flattering reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the
Tennis Court; and as for the Captain of the Guard and
I hope you do not imagine that there was any
impropriety in the Prince and Princess walking together in the
palace garden, and because Giglio kissed Angelica's hand in a
polite manner. In the first place they are cousins; next, the
Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see her, for she
happens to be behind that tree), and her Majesty always wished
that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did
Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome,
brave, and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and
knew so many things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no
conversation. When they looked at the stars, what did Giglio know
of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on a sweet
King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and
withal so fond of good dinners (which were prepared for him by
his
His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had
his own reasons for disliking his nephew; and as for those
innocent readers who ask why? I beg (with the permission
of their dear parents) to refer them to Shakespeare's pages,
where they will read why King John disliked Prince Arthur. With
the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was out of
sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening
parties, she cared for little else.
I dare say two villains, who shall be
nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto, the Court Physician, had
killed Giglio right out, but he only bled and physicked him so
severely that the Prince was kept to his room for several months,
and grew as thin as a post.
Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came
to the Court of Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was
Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was Painter in Ordinary to the King of
Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbor. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all
the Court, who were delighted with his works; for even Countess
Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humored in his
pictures. "He flatters very much," some people said. "Nay!" says
Princess Angelica, "I am above flattery, and I think he did not
make my picture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of
genius unjustly cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make
Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the Cucumber."
The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers
vowed Her Royal Highness could draw so beautifully that
the idea of her taking lessons was absurd, yet chose to have
Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful, as long as she
painted in his studio, what beautiful pictures she made!
Some of the performances were engraved for the Book of Beauty:
others were sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote
One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait
of a young man in armor, with fair hair and the loveliest blue
eyes, and an expression at once melancholy and interesting.
"Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the
Princess.
"I never saw anyone so handsome," says Countess
Gruffanuff (the old humbug).
"That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the
portrait of my august young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo,
Crown Prince of Crim Tartary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of
Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the
Pumpkin. That is the order of the Pumpkin glittering on his manly
breast, and received by his Royal Highness from his august
father, his Majesty King PADELLA I., for his
gallantry at the battle of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his
own princely hand the King of Ograria and two hundred and eleven
giants of the two hundred and eighteen who formed the King's
bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave Crim Tartar
army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars
suffered severely."
What a Prince! thought Angelica: so brave
so calm-looking so young what a hero!
"He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued
the Court Painter. "He knows all languages perfectly: sings
deliciously: plays every instrument: composes operas which have
been acted a thousand nights running at the Imperial Theatre of
Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet there before the King and
Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the
lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love of him."
"Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked
Angelica, with a sigh.
"Because they were first-cousins, Madam,
and the clergy forbid these unions," said the Painter. "And,
besides, the young Prince had given his royal heart
elsewhere."
"And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness.
"I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's
name," answered the Painter.
"But you may tell me the first letter of it,"
gasped out the Princess.
"That your Royal Highness is at liberty to
guess," said Lorenzo.
"Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica.
The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a
Y; then an X; then a W, and went so backwards through almost the
whole alphabet.
When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew
very excited; when she came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still
more nervous; when she came to B, and it wasn't B, "Oh,
dearest Gruffanuff," she said, "lend me your smelling-bottle!"
and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she faintly
whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be A?"
"It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal
Master's orders, tell your Royal Highness the Princess's name,
whom he fondly, madly, devotedly, rapturously loves, I may show
you her portrait," says this slyboots: and leading the Princess
up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was before it.
Oh goodness! the frame contained A
LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her own face!
VII.
HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL.
THE Court Painter of his
Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to that monarch's
dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he had made
in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that
the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming
of all his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which
all the Crim Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the King
was so delighted, that he decorated the Painter with his Order of
the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso
Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth.
King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of
the Cucumber, besides a handsome order for money, for he painted
the King, Queen, and principal nobility while at Blombodinga, and
became all the fashion, to the perfect rage of all the artists
in Paflagonia, where the King used to point to the portrait of
Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say
"Which among you can paint a picture like that?"
It hung in the royal parlor over the royal
sideboard, and Princess Angelica could always look at it as she
sat making the tea. Each day it seemed to grow handsomer and
handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond of looking at it, that
she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at which her father
and mother would wink and wag their heads, and say to each other,
"Aha! we see how things are going."
In the meantime poor Giglio lay up stairs very
sick in his chamber, though he took all the doctor's horrible
medicines like a good young lad; as I hope you do, my
dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for the medical man. And
the only person who visited Giglio (besides his friend the
captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on parade),
was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom and
sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed.
When the little housemaid came to him in the
morning and evening, Prince Giglio used to say, "Betsinda,
Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?"
And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is
very well, thank you, my Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh,
and think, if Angelica were sick, I am sure I should not
be very well.
Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the
Princess Angelica asked for me to-day?" And Betsinda would
answer, "No, my Lord, not to-day;" or, "she was very busy
practicing the piano when I saw her;" or, "she was writing
invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me;" or
make some excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for
Betsinda was such a good-natured creature that she strove to do
everything to prevent annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even
brought him up roast-chicken and jellies from the kitchen (when
the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was getting better), saying,
"that the Princess had made the jelly, or the bread-sauce, with
her own hands, on purpose for Giglio."
When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to
mend immediately; and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the
last bone of the chicken drumsticks, merry-thought,
sides'-bones, back, pope's nose, and all thanking his dear
Angelica; and he felt so much better the next day, that he
dressed and went down stairs, where, whom should he meet but
Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the
chairs,
the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains
uncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest
albums on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word,
it was evident there was going to be a party.
"Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "you
here in such a dress! What a figure you are!"
"Yes, dear Angelica, I am come down stairs, and
feel so well to-day, thanks to the fowl and the
jelly."
"What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you
allude to them in that rude way?" says Angelica.
"Why, didn't didn't you send them,
Angelica dear?" says Giglio.
"I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio
dear," says she, mocking him, "I was engaged in getting
the rooms ready for his Royal Highness the Prince of Crim
Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a visit."
"The Prince of Crim
Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast.
"Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica,
mocking him. "I dare say you never heard of such a country. What
did you ever hear of? You don't know whether Crim
Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I dare say."
"Yes, I do, it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio, at
which the Princess burst out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you
ninny! You are so ignorant, you are really not fit for society!
You know nothing but about horses and dogs, and are only fit to
dine in a mess-room with my Royal father's heaviest dragoons.
Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go and put your best clothes
on to receive the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room ready."
Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't
think this of you. This wasn't your language to me when
you gave me this ring, and I gave you mine in the garden, and you
gave me that k"
But what k was we never shall know, for
Angelica, in a rage, cried, "Get out, you saucy, rude creature!
How dare you to remind me of your rudeness? As for your little
trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir, there!" And she flung it out
of the window.
"It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio.
"I don't care whose marriage-ring it
was," cries Angelica. "Marry the person who picks it up if she's
a woman; you shan't marry me. And give me back
my ring. I've no patience with people who boast about
the things they give away! I know
who'll give me much finer things than you ever gave me. A
beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!"
Now Angelica little knew that the ring which
Giglio had given her was a fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made
all the women in love with him; if a woman, all the gentlemen.
The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an ordinary-looking person, was
admired immensely whilst she wore this ring, and her husband was
frantic when she was ill. But when she called her little Giglio
to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did not seem
to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his
love to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he
had the ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica,
people began to love and admire her; and Giglio, as the
saying is, played only second fiddle.
"Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish
ungrateful way. "I know who'll give me much finer things
than your beggarly little pearl nonsense."
"Very good, miss! You may take back your ring
too!" says Giglio, his eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as
his eyes had been suddenly opened, he cried out, "Ha! what does
this mean? Is this the woman I have been in love with
all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away my regard
upon you? Why actually yes you are
a little crooked!"
"Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica.
"And, upon my conscience, you you squint a
little."
"Eh!" cries Angelica.
"And your hair is red and you are marked
with the smallpox and what? you have three false teeth
and one leg shorter than the other!"
"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed
out: and as she seized the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio
one, two, three smacks on the face, and would have pulled the
hair off his head had he not started laughing, and crying,
"Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out my
hair, it hurts! You might remove a great deal of your
own, as I
perceive, without scissors or pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha,
ha! he, he, he!"
And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and
she with rage; when, with a low bow, and dressed in his Court
habit, Count Gambabella, the first lord-in-waiting, entered and
said, "Royal Highnesses! Their Majesties expect you in the Pink
Throne-room, where they await the arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY."
VIII.
HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE PRINCE BULBO'S arrival had set all
the court in a flutter: everybody was ordered to put his or her
best clothes on: the footmen had their gala liveries; the Lord
Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last new tunics; and
Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an opportunity
of decorating her old person with her finest things. She
was walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait
upon their Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the
pavement, and bade the boy in buttons who was holding up her
train, to go and pick up the article shining yonder. He was an
ugly little wretch, in some of the late groom-porter's old
clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, when he
had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was carrying
it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid. He
gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but
too small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her
pocket.
"Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how
how beyoutiful you do look, mum, to-day, mum!"
"And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but,
looking down at him no, he was no longer good-looking at
all but only the carroty-haired little Jacky of the
morning. However, praise is welcome from the ugliest of men or
boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold up her train, walked
on in high good-humor. The guards saluted her with peculiar
respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the ante-room, said, "My dear
madam, you look like an angel to-day." And so, bowing and
smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal
Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room,
The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance,
attended by Baron Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a
black page carrying the most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was
dressed in his travelling costume, and his hair, as you see, was
a little in disorder. "I have ridden three hundred miles since
breakfast," said he, "so eager was I to behold the Prin the
Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait one
minute before appearing in your Majesties' presences."
Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a
roar of contemptuous laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact,
were so flurried, that they did not hear this little outbreak.
"Your R.H. is welcome in any dress," says the King. "Glumboso, a
chair for his Royal Highness."
"Any dress his Royal Highness wears is a
Court dress," says Princess Angelica, smiling graciously.
"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said
the Prince. "I should have had them on, but that stupid carrier
has not brought them. Who's that laughing?"
It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he
said, "because you said just now that you were in such a hurry to
see the Princess, that you could not wait to change your dress;
and now you say you come in those clothes because you have no
others."
"And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very
fiercely.
"My father was King of this country, and I am his
only son, Prince!" replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness.
"Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very
flurried; but the former, collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince
Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to your Royal Highness my dear
nephew, his Royal Highness Prince Giglio! Know each other!
Embrace each other! Giglio, give his Royal Highness your hand!"
and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the
tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the
Royal visitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King,
Queen, and Prince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of
the platform, and as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with
it, rolling over and over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio
roared still louder at this disaster, but it was with laughter;
so did all the Court when Prince Bulbo got up; for though when he
entered the room he appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up
from his fall for a moment he looked so exceedingly plain and
foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him. When he had
entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in his hand,
which fell out of it as he tumbled.
"My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his
chamberlain dashed forwards and picked it up, and gave it to the
Prince, who put it in his waistcoat. Then people wondered why
they had laughed; there was nothing particularly ridiculous in
him. He was rather short, rather stout, rather red-haired, but,
in fine, for a Prince, not so bad.
So they sat and talked, the Royal personages
together, the Crim Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia
Giglio very
comfortable with Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her
with such tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh,
dear Prince," she said, "how could you speak so haughtily in
presence of their Majesties? I protest I thought I should have
fainted."
"I should have caught you in my arms," said
Giglio, looking raptures.
"Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear
Prince?" says Gruff.
"Because I hate him," says Gil.
"You are jealous of him, and still love poor
Angelica," cries Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her
eyes.
"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I
despise her! Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would
despise her and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost
mine. I am too weak to recover it I am alone, and have no
friend."
"Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff.
"Besides," says he, "I am so happy here
behind the throne that I would not change my place, no,
not for the throne of the world!"
"What are you two people chattering about there?"
says the Queen, who was rather good-natured, though not
overburdened with wisdom. "It
is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his
room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we shall be very
happy to see you as you are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his
bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; and the hairdresser
coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own satisfaction;
and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to wait
above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which
time the King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as
possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this
time, but stood
with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At
length the Groom of the Chambers announced his Royal Highness the
Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the royal
dining-room. It was quite a small party; only
*Here a very pretty game may be played by all the
children saying what they like best for dinner.
The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time
to the Prince of Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and
never took his eyes off his plate, except when Giglio, who
was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing and onion sauce
into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing as the Crimean
Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented
pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology.
When the Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way.
When Prince Bulbo said, "Prince Giglio, may I have the honor of
taking a glass of wine with you?" Giglio wouldn't
answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess Gruffanuff,
who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's attentions
the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her, he was
making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always
tapping him with her fan, and saying "Oh, you satirical
Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!" "Well, I don't mind,"
says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen luckily did not
hear; for her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King thought so
much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful
noise, hobgobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else.
After dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their
arm-chairs.
This was the time when Giglio began his tricks
with Prince Bulbo, plying that young gentleman with port, sherry,
madeira, champagne, marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all
of which Master Bulbo drank without stint. But in plying his
guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, I am sorry to
say, took more than was good for him, so that the young men were
very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after
dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my
darlings, you shall hear!
Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica
was playing and singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset
the coffee when the footman brought it, and he laughed out of
place, and talked absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly.
Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink
satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most
beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo
wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the
first young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming?
Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old
face he, too, every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the
most outrageous compliments to her: There never was such a
darling Older than he was? Fiddle-de-dee! He would
marry her he would have nothing but her!
To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a
chance! The artful hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote
upon it, "This is to give notice that I, Giglio, only son of
Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming
and virtuous Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of
the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq."
"What is it you are writing, you charming
Gruffy?" says Giglio, who was lolling on the sofa, by the
writing-table.
"Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for
giving coals and blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look!
the King and Queen are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's
order will do."
So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy
well knew, signed the order immediately; and, when she had it in
her pocket, you may fancy what airs she gave herself. She was
ready to flounce out of the room before the Queen herself, as now
she was the wife of the rightful King of Paflagonia! She
would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for
depriving her dear husband of the crown! And when
candles came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and
IX.
HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING-PAN.
LITTLE Betsinda came in to
put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the Countess was so pleased,
that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda. "Betsinda!" she
said, "you dressed my hair very nicely to-day; I promised you a
little present. Here are five sh no, here is a pretty
little ring, that I picked that I have had some time." And
she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It
fitted Betsinda exactly.
"It's like the ring the Princess used to wear,"
says the maid.
"No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it
this ever so long. There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now,
as it's a very cold night (the snow was beating in at the
window), you may go and warm dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a
good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk, and then you can
just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then you can mend
that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to bed,
Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the
morning."
"I suppose I had best warm both the young
gentlemen's beds, ma'am," says Betsinda.
Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!
Grauhawhoo! Hong-hrho!" In fact, she was snoring sound
asleep.
Her room, you know, is next to the King and
Queen, and the Princess is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went
away for the coals to the kitchen, and filled the royal
warming-pan.
Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty
girl; but there must have been something very captivating about
her this evening, for all the women in the servants' hall began
to scold and abuse her. The housekeeper said she was a pert,
stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid asked, how dare she wear such
ringlets and ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there
was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid
that she never could see anything in that creetur: but
as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the
page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started
up, and said
"Hands off; none of your impertinence, you
vulgar, low people!" says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of
coals. She heard the young gentlemen playing at billiards as she
went up stairs: first to Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed,
and then to Prince Bulbo's room.
He came in just as she had done; and as soon as
he saw her, "O! O! O! O! O! O! what a beyouooootiful
creature you are! You angel you Peri you rosebud,
let me be thy bulbul thy Bulbo, too! Fly to the desert,
fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its dark
blue eye that had eyes like shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take,
take this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a
soldier's waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim
Tartary! My Royal father will approve our union; and, as for that
little carroty-haired Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any
more."
"Go away, your Royal Highness, and go to bed,
please," said Betsinda, with the warming-pan.
But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to
be mine, thou lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy
feet, the Royal Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's
eyes."
And he went on, making himself so absurd and
ridiculous, that Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a
touch with the warming-pan, which, I promise you, made him cry
"O-o-o-o!" in a very different manner.
Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince
Giglio, who heard him from the next room, came in to see what was
the matter. As soon as he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a
fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest manner up to the
ceiling, and went on kicking him till his hair was quite out of
curl.
Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to
cry; the kicking certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he
looked so droll! When Giglio had done knocking him up and down to
the ground, and whilst he went into a corner rubbing himself,
what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on his own knees to
Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and
offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who
had been in love with the Prince ever since she
first saw him in the palace garden, when she was quite a little
child.
"Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have
I lived fifteen years in thy company without seeing thy
perfections?
"Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says
Betsinda, looking, however, very much pleased.
"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all
forsook me?" continues Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my
pillow, and bring me jelly and roast-chicken?"
"Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I
sewed your Royal Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please,
your Royal Highness," cries this artless maiden.
When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love
with
Betsinda, heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable
glances which she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly,
and tore quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered
the room like so much tow.
Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor
while the princes were going on with their conversation, and as
they began now to quarrel and be very fierce with one another,
she thought proper to run away.
"You great big blubbering booby, tearing your
hair in the corner there! of course you will give me satisfaction
for insulting Betsinda. You dare to kneel down at
Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!"
"She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo.
"She shall be Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo."
"You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out
Giglio.
"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo.
"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting
her!" cries Giglio in a fury.
"I'll have your life."
"I'll run you through."
"I'll cut your throat."
"I'll blow your brains out."
"I'll knock your head off."
"I'll send a friend to you in the morning."
"I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon."
"We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist
in Bulbo's face; and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it,
because, forsooth, Betsinda had carried it, and rushed down
stairs. What should he see on the landing but his Majesty talking
to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond names. His
Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and
smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter
was.
"It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,"
says Betsinda.
"Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all
the rest of them), "never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a
middle-aged autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in
his time."
"Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries
Betsinda.
"Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty
be hanged. Am I not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks,
ropes, axes, hangmen ha? Runs not a river by my palace
wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives withal? Say
but the word, that thou wilt be mine own, your mistress
straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart
and throne."
When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he
forgot the respect usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the
warming-pan, and
X.
HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION.
AS soon as the coals began
to burn him, the King came to himself and stood up. "Ho! my
captain of the guards!" his Majesty exclaimed, stamping his royal
feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose was bent
quite crooked by
Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a
sincere love for Giglio. "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears
rolling over his manly face, and dripping down his moustachios;
"my noble young Prince, is it my hand must lead thee to death?"
"Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female
voice. It was Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown
when she heard the noise. "The King said you were to
"I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was
not a very clever man.
"You Gaby! he didn't say which Prince,"
says Gruffanuff.
"No; he didn't say which, certainly," said
Hedzoff.
"Well then, take Bulbo, and hang him!"
When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to
dance about for joy. "Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he.
"Prince Bulbo's head will do capitally," and he went to arrest
the Prince the very first thing next morning.
He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says
Bulbo. "Captain Hedzoff? Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm
delighted to see you; I have been expecting you."
"Have you?" says Hedzoff.
"Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me,"
says the Prince.
"I beg your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will
have to act for yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron
Sleibootz."
The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter
very coolly. "Of course, Captain," says he, "you are come about
that affair with Prince Giglio?"
"Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince
Giglio."
"Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks
Bulbo. "I'm a pretty good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince
Giglio as sure as my name is my Royal Highness Prince Bulbo."
"There's some mistake, my Lord," says the
Captain. "The business is done with axes among us."
"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my
Chamberlain, he'll be my second, and in ten minutes, I flatter
myself, you'll see Master Giglio's head off his impertinent
shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood. Hooo-oaw!" and he
looked as savage as an ogre.
"I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am
to take you prisoner, and hand you over to to the
executioner."
"Pooh, pooh, my good man! Stop, I say,
ho! hulloa!" was all that this luckless Prince was
enabled to say: for
The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso,
saw him pass, and took a pinch of snuff and said, "So much for
Giglio. Now let's go to breakfast."
The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner
to the Sheriff, with the fatal order,
"AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE
BEARER'S HEAD. "It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to
understand the business in the least.
"Poo poo pooh," says the Sheriff.
"Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. Jack Ketch!"
And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an
executioner with a block and a tremendous axe was always ready in
case he should be wanted.
But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda.
XI.
WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA.
GRUFFANUFF, who had seen
what had happened with the King, and knew that Giglio must come
to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went to devise
some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old
thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down
the garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (tinder and
winda were all he could find), and indeed having forgotten
all about the past evening, except that Betsinda was the most
lovely of beings.
"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff.
"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only
he was quite satirical.
"I have been thinking, darling, what you must do
in this scrape. You must fly the country for a while."
"What scrape? fly the country? Never
without her I love, Countess," says Giglio.
"No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she
says, in her most coaxing accents. "First, we must get the jewels
belonging to our royal parents, and those of her and his present
Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they are all yours, you know, by
right, for you are the rightful King of Paflagonia, and your wife
will be the rightful Queen."
"Will she?" says Giglio.
"Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's
apartment, where, under his bed, you will find sacks containing
money to the amount of £217,000,000,987,439, 13s.
6½d., all belonging to you, for he took it out of
your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we
will fly."
"We will fly?" says Giglio.
"Yes, you and your bride your affianced
love your Gruffy!" says the Countess, with a languishing
leer.
"You my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you
hideous old woman!"
"Oh, you you wretch! didn't you give me
this paper promising marriage?" cries Gruff.
"Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and
Betsinda only!" And in a fit of terror he ran from her as quickly
as he could.
"He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a
promise if there are laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster,
that wretch, that fiend, that ugly little vixen as for
that upstart, that ingrate, that beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio
will have no little difficulty in discovering her whereabouts. He
may look very long before finding her, I warrant. He
little knows that Miss Betsinda is "
Is what? Now, you shall hear. Poor
Betsinda got up at five in winter's morning to bring her cruel
mistress her tea; and instead of finding her in a good humor,
found Gruffy as
cross as two sticks. The Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a
dozen times whilst she was dressing; but as poor little Betsinda
was used to this kind of treatment, she did not feel any special
alarm. "And now," says she, "when her Majesty rings her bell
twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend."
So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda
came to her Majesty and made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen,
the Princess, and Gruffanuff were all three in the room. As soon
as they saw her they began,
"You wretch!" says the Queen.
"You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess.
"You beast!" says Gruffanuff.
"Get out of my sight!" says the Queen.
"Go away with you, do!" says the Princess.
"Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff.
Alas! and woe is me! very lamentable events had
occurred to Betsinda that morning, and all in consequence of that
fatal warming-pan business of the previous night. The King had
offered to marry her; of course her Majesty the Queen was
jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of course Angelica
was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a fury
Gruffy was in!
"Take off that
I gave you," they said, all at once,
and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda.
"How dare you flirt with
cried the Queen, the Princess, and
Countess.
"Give her the rags she wore when she came into
the house, and turn her out of it!" cries the Queen.
"Mind she does not go with my shoes on,
which I lent her so kindly," says the Princess; and indeed the
Princess's shoes were a great deal too big for Betsinda.
"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up
the Queen's poker, the cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her
room.
The Countess went to the glass box in which she
had kept Betsinda's old cloak and shoe this ever so long, and
said, "Take those rags, you little beggar creature, and strip off
everything belonging to honest people, and go about your
business." And she actually tore off the poor little delicate
thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out of
the house.
Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back,
on which were embroidered the letters PRIN .
. . . ROSAL . . and then came a great rent.
As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor
little tootsey sandal? The string was still to it, so she hung it
round her neck.
"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in
the snow, mum, if you please, mum?" cried the poor child.
"No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving
her along with the poker driving her down the cold stairs
driving her through the cold hall flinging her out
into the cold street, so that the knocker itself shed tears to
see her!
But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her
little
feet, and she wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and
was gone!
"And now let us think about breakfast," says the
greedy Queen.
"What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or
the pea-green?" says Angelica. "Which do you think the dear
Prince will like best?"
"Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his
dressing-room, "let us have sausages for breakfast! Remember we
have Prince Bulbo staying with us!"
And they all went to get ready.
Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the
breakfast-room, and no Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing
and humming: the muffins were smoking such a heap of
muffins! the eggs were done: there was a pot of raspberry jam,
and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the side-table.
Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice they
smelt!
"Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is
his Royal Highness?"
John said he had a took hup his Roilighnessesses
shaving-water, and his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his
room, which he sposed his Royliness was just stepped hout.
"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow!
Impossible!" says the King, sticking his fork into a sausage. "My
dear, take one. Angelica, won't you have a saveloy?" The Princess
took one, being very fond of them; and at this moment Glumboso
entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very much disturbed.
"I am afraid your Majesty " cries Glumboso. "No
business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King. "Breakfast
first, business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!"
"Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after
breakfast it will be too late," says Glumboso. "He he
he'll be hanged at half-past nine."
"Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast,
you unkind, vulgar man you," cries the Princess. "John, some
mustard. Pray who is to be hanged?"
"Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to
the King.
"Talk about business after breakfast, I tell
you!" says his Majesty, quite sulky.
"We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says
the Minister. "His father, King Padella . . . ."
"His father, King who?" says the King.
"King Padella
is not Giglio's father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's
father."
"It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not
Prince Giglio," says the Prime Minister.
"You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the
ugly one," says Hedzoff. "I didn't, of course, think your Majesty
intended to murder your own flesh and blood!"
The King for all reply flung the plate of
sausages at Hedzoff's head. The Princess cried out
"Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a fainting fit.
"Turn the cock of the urn upon her Royal
Highness," said the King, and the boiling water gradually revived
her. His Majesty looked at his watch, compared it by the clock in
the parlor, and by that of the church in the square opposite;
then he wound it up; then he looked at it again. "The great
question is," says he, "am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow, we
may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just
the possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward
mistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to
have you hanged too."
"Sire, I did but my duty; a soldier has but his
orders. I didn't expect after forty-seven years of faithful
service that my sovereign would think of putting me to a felon's
death!"
"A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you
see that while you are talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed
the Princess.
"By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm
so absent," says the King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! Hark,
there go the drums! What a doosid awkward thing though!"
"O Papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let
me run with it," cries the Princess and she got a sheet of
paper, and pen and ink, and laid them before the King.
"Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the
Monarch exclaimed. "Angelica! Go up into my bedroom, look under
my pillow, not your mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them
down to me, and Well, well! what impetuous things these
girls are!" Angelica was gone, and had run up panting to the
bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again before the King
had finished a muffin. "Now, love," says he, "you must go all the
way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you
would but have heard me out . . . . Be hanged to her!
There she is off again. Angelica! ANGELICA!"
When his Majesty called in his loud voice, she knew she
must obey, and came back.
"My dear, when you go out of a room, how often
have I told you, shut the door? That's a darling. That's
all." At last the keys and the desk and the spectacles were got,
and the King mended his pen, and signed his name to a reprieve,
and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind. "You'd better
stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use going. Be
sure it's too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,"
said the Monarch. "Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew
it was."
Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran
up Fore Street, and down High Street, and through the
Market-place, and down to the left, and over the bridge, and up
the blind alley, and back again, and round by the Castle, and so
along by the haberdasher's on the right, opposite the lamp-post,
and round the square, and she came she came to the
Execution place, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on
the block!!! The executioner raised his axe, but at that moment
the Princess came panting up and cried Reprieve. "Reprieve!"
screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" shouted all the people. Up the
scaffold stairs she sprang, with the agility of a lighter of
lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, regardless of all
ceremony, she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my love! my
Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious
existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy
young bloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and
welcomed death that joined her to her Bulbo."
"H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said
Bulbo, looking so very much puzzled and uncomfortable that the
Princess, in tones of tenderest strain, asked the cause of his
disquiet.
"I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he:
"since I came here yesterday, there has been such a row, and
disturbance, and quarrelling, and fighting, and chopping of heads
off, and the deuce to pay, that I am inclined to go back to Crim
Tartary."
"But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though
wherever thou art is Crim Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful,
my Bulbo!"
"Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says
Bulbo. "Doctor, you came to read the Funeral Service read
the Marriage Service, will you? What must be, must. That will
satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of peace and quietness,
do let us go back to breakfast."
Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the
time of the dismal ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told
by his
mother that he ought never to part with it. So he had kept it
between his teeth, even when he laid his poor head upon the
block, hoping vaguely that some chance would turn up in his
favor. As he began to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the
rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. The romantic
Princess instantly stooped and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she
exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I
part from thee!" and she placed it in her bosom. And you know
Bulbo couldn't ask her to give the rose back again. And
they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it appeared to Bulbo
that Angelica became more exquisitely lovely every moment.
He was frantic until they were married; and now,
strange to say, it was Angelica who didn't care about him! He
knelt down, he kissed her hand, he prayed and begged; he cried
with admiration; while she for her part said she really thought
they might wait; it seemed to her he was not handsome any more
no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever, no,
very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary,
dreadfully vul
What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out
"Pooh, stuff!" in a terrible voice. "We will have no
more of this shilly-shallying! Call the Archbishop, and let the
Prince and Princess be married off-hand!"
So, married they were, and I am sure for my part
I trust they will be happy.
XII.
HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER.
BETSINDA wandered on and on,
till she passed through the town gates, and so on the great Crim
Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too was going. "Ah!"
thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the conductor
was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, "how I should like to
be on that coach!" But the coach and the jingling horses were
very soon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely
she was thinking of him all the time.
Then came an empty cart, returning from market;
and the driver being a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty
girl
trudging along the road with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave
her a seat. He said he lived on the confines of the forest, where
his old father was a woodman, and, if she liked, he would take
her so far on her road. All roads were the same to little
Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one.
And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet,
and gave her some bread and cold bacon, and was very kind to her.
For all that she was very cold and melancholy. When after
travelling on and on, evening came, and all the black pines were
bending with snow, and there, at last, was the comfortable light
beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived, and went
into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of
children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk,
when their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped
and clapped their hands; for they were good children; and he had
brought them toys from the town. And when they saw the pretty
stranger, they ran to her, and brought her to the fire, and
rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her bread and milk.
"Look, father!" they said to the old woodman,
"look at this poor girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has.
They
"What," said the old woodman, "what is all this
about a shoe and a cloak?"
And Betsinda explained that she had been left,
when quite a little child, at the town with this cloak and this
shoe. And the persons who had taken care of her had had
been angry with her, for no fault, she hoped, of her own. And
they had sent her away with her old clothes and here, in
fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest and
perhaps it was a dream it was so very odd and strange
having lived in a cave with lions there; and, before that,
having lived in a very, very fine house, as fine as the King's,
in the town.
When the woodman heard this, he was so
astonished, it was quite curious to see how astonished he was. He
went to his cupboard, and took out of a stocking a five-shilling
piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was exactly like the young
On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on
his knee, saying, "O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my
rightful Queen of Crim Tartary, I hail thee I
acknowledge thee I do thee homage!" And in token of his
fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the ground,
and put the Princess's foot on his head.
"Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a
nobleman of my royal father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat,
and under the name of Betsinda, HER MAJESTY,
ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of
the customs of all foreign courts and nations.
"Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege
the poor Lord Spinachi once the humble woodman these
fifteen years syne ever since the tyrant Padella (may ruin
overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my post of
First Lord."
"First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of
the Snuff-box? I mind me! Thou heldest these posts under our
royal Sire. They are restored to thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee
knight of the second class of our Order of the Pumpkin (the first
class being reserved for crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of
Spinachi!" And with indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had no
sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been
taking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old
nobleman, whose tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and
whose dear children went to bed that night Lords and Ladies
Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia degli Spinachi!
The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history and noble
families of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of
Broccoli should remain faithful to us," she said; "they were ever
welcome at our Court. Have the Articiocchi, as was their wont,
turned to the Rising Sun? The family of Sauerkraut must sure be
with us they were ever welcome in the halls of King
Cavolfiore." And so she went on enumerating quite a list of the
nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty
profited by her studies while in exile.
The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer
for them all; that the whole country groaned under Padella's
tyranny, and longed to return to its rightful sovereign; and late
as it was, he sent his children, who knew the forest well, to
summon this nobleman and that; and when his eldest son, who had
been rubbing the horse down and giving him his supper, came into
the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his boots on,
and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such and
such people.
When the young man heard who his companion in the
cart had been, he too knelt down and put her royal foot on his
head; he too bedewed the ground with his tears; he was
frantically in love with her, as everybody now was who saw her:
so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who punched each
other's little heads out of jealousy: and so, when they came
from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi,
were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the
House of Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the
most part that her Majesty never suspected their absurd passion,
and went among them quite unaware of the havoc her beauty was
causing, until an old blind Lord who had joined her party told
her what the truth was; after which, for fear of making the
people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil. She
went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and
they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and
composed proclamations and counterproclamations, and distributed
all the best places of the kingdom amongst one another, and
selected who of the opposition party should be executed when the
Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were ready to
move.
The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of
very feeble
XIII.
HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD HER MAJESTY, having indeed nothing else to give, made
all her followers Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls,
and Baronets; and they had a little court for her, and made her a
little crown of gilt paper, and a robe of cotton velvet; and they
quarrelled about the places to be given away in her court, and
about rank and precedence and dignities; you can't think
how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her honors
before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes
even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in
our respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform
hers.
We have said how it happened that none of the
Usurper's troops came out to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it
pottered along as nimbly as the gout of the principal commanders
allowed: it consisted of twice as many officers as soldiers: and
at length passed near the estates of one of the most powerful
noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the Queen, but
of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling with
King Padella.
When they came close to his park gates, this
nobleman sent to say he would wait upon her Majesty: he was a
most powerful warrior, and his name was Count Hogginarmo, whose
helmet it took two strong negroes to carry. He knelt down before
her and said, "Madam and liege lady! it becomes the great nobles
of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign of respect to the
wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify to our own
nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the
knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country."
Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was
uncommonly kind; but she felt
afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled
at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them.
"The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went
on, "salutes the Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the
not more noble lady! Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and
my heart and my sword to your service! My three wives lie buried
in my ancestral vaults. The third perished but a year since; and
this heart pines for a consort! Deign to be mine, and I swear to
bring to your bridal table the head of King Padella, the eyes and
nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the
usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth
be an appanage to your to
our Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed to be
denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal;
for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious
the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures,
misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if
Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in your Majesty's
lovely eyes their glances fill my soul with rapture!"
"Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in
great fright. "Your Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry
to tell you that I have a prior attachment to a young gentleman
by the name of Prince Giglio and never never
can marry any one but him."
Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this
remark? Rising up from the ground, he ground his teeth so that
fire flashed out of his mouth, from which at the same time issued
remarks and language, so loud, violent, and improper,
that this pen shall never repeat them! "R-r-r-r-r-r
Rejected! Fiends
Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful
panic when they saw Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in
such a towering rage, making footballs of the poor negroes
a panic which the events justified. They marched off from
Hogginarmo's park very crest-fallen; and in another half-hour
they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his
followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and
pommelled amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the
Army of Fidelity to I don't know where.
Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not
condescend to see her. "Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms,
"clap the hussy into it, and send her, with my compliments, to
his Majesty King Padella."
Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a
letter full of servile compliments and loathsome flatteries to
King Padella, for whose life, and that of his royal family, the
hypocritical humbug pretended to offer the most fulsome
prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his humble
homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to
be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a
wary old bird as King Padella was not to be
caught by Master Hogginarmo's chaff and we shall hear
presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no;
depend on't, two such rogues do not trust one another.
So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like
Margery Daw, and driven along in the dark ever so many miles to
the Court, where King Padella had now arrived, having vanquished
all his enemies, murdered most of them, and brought some of the
richest into captivity with him for the purpose of torturing them
and finding out where they had hidden their money.
Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the
dungeon in which she was thrust; a most awful black hole, full of
bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas,
serpents, and every kind of horror. No light was let into it,
otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in love with
her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and a
cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green
eyes on Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's
wife to whom it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and
kissed her feet, and the vipers wound round her neck
and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was this poor Princess
in the midst of her misfortunes.
At last, after she had been kept in this place
ever so long, the door of the dungeon opened, and the
terrible KING PADELLA
came in.
But what he said and did must be reserved for
another chapter, as we must now back to Prince Giglio.
XIV.
WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO.
THE idea of marrying such an
old creature as Gruffanuff frightened Prince Giglio so, that he
ran up to his room, packed his trunks, fetched in a couple of
porters, and was off to the diligence office in a twinkling.
It was well that he was so quick in his
operations, did not dawdle over his luggage, and took the early
coach, for as soon as the mistake about Prince Bulbo was found
out, that cruel
It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the
ground, and Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was
very glad to get a comfortable place in the coupé of the
diligence, where he sat with the conductor and another gentleman.
At the first stage from Blombodinga, as they stopped to change
horses, there came up to the diligence a very ordinary,
vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked for a
place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman was
informed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof;
and the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should
think), put his head out of
Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the
diligence, and made himself very comfortable in the straw. The
vulgar traveller got down only at the next station, and Giglio
took his place again, and talked to the person next to him. She
appeared to
be a most agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They
travelled together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of
things out of the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed
to contain the most wonderful collection of articles. He was
thirsty out there came a pint-bottle of Bass's pale ale,
and a silver mug! Hungry she took out a cold fowl, some
slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious piece of cold
plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards.
As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer
woman talked to Giglio on a variety of subjects, in which the
poor Prince showed his ignorance as much as she did her capacity.
He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant he was; on which the
lady said, "My dear Gigl my good Mr. Giles, you are a young
man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to do
but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for
your knowledge some day? When when you may be wanted at
home, as some people may be."
"Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?"
"I know a number of funny things," says the lady.
"I have been at some people's christenings, and turned away from
other folks' doors. I have seen some people spoilt by good
fortune, and others, as I hope, improved by hardship. I advise
you to stay at the town where the coach stops for the night. Stay
there and study, and remember your old friend to whom you were
kind."
"And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio.
"When you want anything," says the lady, "look in
this bag, which I leave to you as a present, and be grateful to
"
"To whom, madam?" says he.
"To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying
out of the window. And then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew
where the lady was?
"What lady?" says the man; "there has been no
lady in this coach, except the old woman, who got out at the last
stage." And Giglio thought he had been dreaming. But there was
the bag which Blackstick had given him lying on his lap; and when
he came to the town he took it in his hand and went into the inn.
They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio,
when he woke in the morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace
at home, called, "John, Charles, Thomas! My chocolate my
dressing-gown my slippers;" but nobody came. There was no
bell, so he went and bawled out for water on the top of the
stairs.
The landlady came up looking like this
"What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for
here, young man?" says she.
"There's no warm water no servants; my
boots are not even cleaned."
"He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady.
"You young students give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard
such impudence."
"I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio.
"The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill
and be off. All my rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for
such as you."
"You may well keep the 'Bear Inn,'" said Giglio.
"You should have yourself painted as the sign."
The landlady of the "Bear" went away
growling. And Giglio returned to his room, where the
first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table, which
seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I hope it has some
breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a very little
money left." But on opening the bag, what do you think was there?
A blacking brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was
written,
"Poor young men their boots must black: So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the
brush and the bottle into the bag.
When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave
another little hop, and he went to it and took out
1. A tablecloth and a napkin.
2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar.
4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two
knives, and a pair of sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked
G.
11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin.
14. A jug full of delicious cream.
15. A canister with black tea and green.
16. A large tea-urn and boiling water.
17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely
done.
18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter.
19. A brown loaf.
And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast,
I should like to know who ever had one?
Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the
things back into the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I
forgot to say that this celebrated university town was called
Bosforo.
He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools,
paid his bill at the inn, and went to his apartment with his
trunk, carpet-bag, and not forgetting, we may be sure, his
other bag.
When he opened his trunk, which the day before he
had filled with his best clothes, he found it contained only
books. And in the first of them which he opened there was written
"Clothes for the back, books for the head: And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's
cap and gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens,
and a Johnson's dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his
spelling had been sadly neglected.
So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard
for a whole year, during which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example
to all the students in the University of Bosforo. He never got
into any riots or disturbances. The Professors all spoke well of
him, and the students liked him too; so that, when at
examination, he took all the prizes, viz.:
all his fellow-students said, "Hurray! Hurray for Giles! Giles
is the boy the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he
brought quite a quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of
distinction home to his lodgings.
One day after the Examinations, as he was
diverting himself at a coffee-house with two friends (Did
I tell you that in his bag, every Saturday night, he found just
enough to pay his bills, with a guinea over, for pocket-money?
Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as twice twenty makes
forty-five) he chanced to look in the Bosforo
Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could spell,
read, and write the longest words now), the following
"ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE. One of the most extraordinary
adventures that we have ever heard has set the neighboring
country of Crim Tartary in a state of great excitement.
"It will be remembered that when the present
revered sovereign of Crim Tartary, his Majesty King
PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after having
vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late King
CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess
Rosalba, was not found in the royal palace, of which King Padella
took possession, and, it was said, had strayed into the forest
(being abandoned by all her
attendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions,
the last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought
to the Tower, after killing several hundred persons.
"His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest
heart in the world, was grieved at the accident which had
occurred to the harmless little Princess, for whom his Majesty's
known benevolence would certainly have provided a fitting
establishment. But her death seemed to be certain. The mangled
remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the forest,
during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of Crim
Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these
interesting relics of an innocent little creature were carried
home and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an
officer in Cavolfiore's household. The Baron was disgraced in
consequence of his known legitimist opinions, and has lived for
some time in the humble capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on
the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim Tartary.
"Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of
gentlemen, attached to the former dynasty, appeared in arms,
crying, 'God save Rosalba, the first Queen of Crim Tartary!' and
surrounding a lady whom report describes as 'beautiful
exceedingly.' Her history may be authentic,
is certainly most romantic.
"The personage calling herself Rosalba states
that she was brought out of the forest, fifteen years since, by a
lady in a car drawn by dragons (this account is certainly
improbable), that she was left in the Palace Garden of
Blombodinga, where her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica, now
married to his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim
Tartary, found the child, and, with that elegant
benevolence which has always distinguished the heiress of
the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little outcast a shelter
and a home! Her parentage not being known, and her garb very
humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial
capacity, under the name of Betsinda.
"She did not give satisfaction, and was
dismissed, carrying with her, certainly, part of a mantle and a
shoe, which she had on when first found. According to her
statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year ago, since which
time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the very same
morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia, a
young Prince whose character for talent and
order were, to say truth,
none of the highest, also quitted Blombodinga, and has
not been since heard of!"
"What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and
Jones, two young students, Giglio's especial friends.
"Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on,
reading:
"SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS. We
hear that the troop under Baron Spinachi has been surrounded, and
utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo, and the
soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital.
"UNIVERSITY NEWS. Yesterday, at the Schools, the
distinguished young student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and
was complimented by the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with
the highest University honor the wooden spoon."
"Never mind that stuff," says GILES,
greatly disturbed. "Come home with me, my friends. Gallant Smith!
intrepid Jones! friends of my studies partakers of my
academic toils I have that to tell which shall astonish
your honest minds."
"Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith.
"Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively
fellow.
With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio
checked their natural, but no more seemly, familiarity. "Jones,
Smith, my good friends," said the PRINCE,
"disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student
Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line."
"Atavis edite regibus, I know, old
co" cried Jones. He was going to say "old cock," but a
flash from the ROYAL EYE again awed him.
"Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that
Giglio: I am, in fact, Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in
the public street. Jones, thou true heart! My faithless uncle,
when I was a baby, filched from me that brave crown my father
left me, bred me, all young and careless of my rights, like unto
hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any thoughts about
my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I should
espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign
in Paflagonia. His words were false false as Angelica's
heart! false as Angelica's hair, color, front teeth! She
looked with her skew eyes upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid
heir, and she preferred him." Twas then I turned my eyes upon
Betsinda Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in her the
blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; the
nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c.
&c.
(I don't give this speech, which was very fine,
but very
long; and though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the
circumstances, my dear reader does, so I go on.)
The Prince and his young friends hastened home to
his apartment, highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by
the royal narrator's admirable manner of recounting it,
and they ran up to his room where he had worked so hard at his
books.
On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long
that the Prince could not help remarking it. He went to it,
opened it, and what do you think he found in it?
A splendid long, gold-handled,
red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust sword, and on the sheath
was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!"
He drew out the sword, which flashed and
illuminated the whole room, and called out "Rosalba for ever!"
Smith and Jones following him, but quite respectfully this time,
and taking the time from his Royal Highness.
And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and
out there came three ostrich feathers in a gold crown,
surrounding a beautiful shining steel helmet, a cuirass, a pair
of spurs, finally a complete suit of armor.
The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone.
Where there had been some great dictionaries, Giglio's friends
found two pairs of jack-boots labelled, "Lieutenant Smith,"
" Jones, Esq.," which fitted them to a nicety.
Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords,
&c., just like in Mr. G.P.R. James's novels; and that evening
three cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of
Bosforo, in whom the porters, proctors, &c., never thought of
recognizing the young Prince and his friends.
They got horses at a livery-stable-keeper's, and
never drew bridle until they reached the last town on the
frontier before you come to Crim Tartary. Here, as their animals
were tired, and the cavaliers hungry, they stopped and refreshed
at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this if I were like some
writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down, you see, and
give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they had
some bread and cheese and ale up stairs on the balcony of the
inn. As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and
nearer, the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and his Royal
Highness looking forth, recognized the Paflagonian banners, and
the Paflagonian national air which the bands were playing.
The troops all made for the tavern at once, and
as they
came up Giglio exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I
see? Yes! no! It is, it is! Phoo! No, it
can't be! Yes! it is my friend, my gallant, faithful veteran,
Captain Hedzoff! Ho! Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy
Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha,
Sergeant, an' my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout
at singlestick."
"I' faith, we have a many, good my Lord," says
the Sergeant.
"Tell me what means this mighty armament,"
continued his Royal Highness from the balcony, "and whither march
my Paflagonians?"
Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we
march as the allies of great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch."
"Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim
Tartary's grim tyrant, honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the
balcony, quite sarcastically.
"A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders:
mine are to help his Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that
I should say it!) to seize wherever I should light upon him."
"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed
his Royal Highness.
" On the body of Giglio, whilom
Prince of Paflagonia" Hedzoff went on, with indescribable
emotion. "My Prince, give up your sword without ado. Look! we are
thirty thousand men to one!"
"Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!"
cried the Prince; and stepping well forward on to the balcony,
the royal youth, without preparation, delivered a speech
so magnificent, that no report can do justice to it. It was all
in blank verse (in which, from this time, he invariably spoke, as
more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for three days and
three nights, during which not a single person who heard him was
tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark. The
soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in
nine hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took
out of the bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not
attempt to convey, the whole history of the previous transaction,
and his determination not only not to give up his sword, but to
assume his rightful crown; and at the end of this extraordinary,
this truly gigantic effort, Captain Hedzoff flung up his
helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King Giglio!"
Such were the consequences of having employed his
time well at College!
When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered
out for the army, and their Sovereign himself did not disdain a
little! And now it was with some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told
him his division was only the advanced guard of the Paflagonian
contingent, hastening to King Padella's aid the main force
being a day's march in the rear under his Royal Highness Prince
Bulbo.
"We will wait here, good friend, to beat the
Prince," his Majesty said, "and then will make his royal
father wince."
XV.
WE RETURN TO ROSALBA.
KING PADELLA made very similar proposals to Rosalba to
those which she had received from the various princes who, as we
have seen, had fallen in love with her. His Majesty was a
widower, and offered to marry his fair captive that instant, but
she declined his invitation in her usual polite gentle manner,
stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and that any other union
was out of the question. Having tried tears and supplications in
vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and
tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all these than
accept the hand of her father's murderer, who left her finally,
uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for
death on the following morning.
All night long the King spent in advising how he
should get rid of this obdurate young creature. Cutting off her
head was much too easy a death for her; hanging was so common in
his Majesty's dominions that it no longer afforded him any sport;
finally, he bethought himself of a pair of fierce lions which had
lately been sent to him as presents, and he determined, with
these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. Adjoining his
castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in
bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two
lions were kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might
be heard over the whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am
sorry to say, thronged in numbers to see a poor young lady
gobbled up by two wild beasts.
The King took his place in the royal box, having
the officers of his Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his
side, upon whom his Majesty was observed to look very fiercely;
the fact is, royal spies had told the monarch of Hogginarmo's
behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, and his offer to fight for
the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at this proud
noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting to
see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine.
At length that Princess
And now the gates were opened, and with a
"Wurrawarrurawarar!" two great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed
out of their den, where they had been kept for three weeks on
nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed straight up to
the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to your
patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful
state.
There was a hum and a buzz all through the
circus, and the fierce King Padella even felt a little
compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by his Majesty, roared
out "Hurray!
But O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O
extraordinary coincidence, which I am sure none of you could
by any possibility have divined! When the lions came to
Rosalba, instead of devouring her with their great teeth, it was
with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked her pretty feet,
they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they seemed to
say, "Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in the
forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny
necks, and kissed them.
King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count
Hogginarmo was extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried.
"Gammon!" exclaimed his Lordship. "These lions are tame beasts
come from Wombwell's or Astley's. It is a shame to put people off
in this way. I believe they are little boys dressed up in
door-mats. They are no lions at all."
"Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon' to
your Sovereign, do you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't
they? Ho, my beef-eaters! Ho, my bodyguard! Take this Count
Hogginarmo and fling him into the circus! Give him a sword and
buckler, let him keep his armor on, and his weather-eye out, and
fight these lions."
The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass,
and looked scowling round at the King and his attendants. "Touch
me not, dogs!" he said, "or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will
gore you! Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a
hundred thousand lions! Follow me down into the circus, King
Padella, and match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou darest
not. Let them both come on, then!" And opening a grating of the
box, he jumped lightly down into the circus.
Wurra wurra wurra wur-aw-aw-aw!!! At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the
rebellious ruffian! And now, as those lions won't eat that young
woman "
"Let her off! let her off!" cried the
crowd.
"NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go
down and chop her into small pieces. If the lions defend her, let
the archers shoot them to death. That hussy shall die in
tortures!"
"A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!"
"Who dares cry out shame?" cried the furious
potentate (so little can tyrants command their passions). "Fling
any scoundrel who says a word down among the lions!"
I warrant you there was a dead silence then,
which was broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" and a
Knight and a Herald rode in at the further end of the circus: the
Knight, in full armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter on
the point of his lance.
"Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis
Elephant and Castle, pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and
the Knight, "Bespeaking first safe-conduct from your
Lordship," said Captain Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of
anything, permit us to deliver our King's message."
"My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning
terrifically. "That title soundeth strange in the anointed ears
of a crowned King. Straightway speak out your message, Knight and
Herald!"
Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner
close under the King's balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and
bade him begin.
Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over
his shoulder, took a large sheet of paper out of his hat, and
began to read:
"O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these
presents, that we, Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of
Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey and the Sausage Islands,
having assumed our rightful throne and title, long time falsely
borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of Paflagonia
"
"Ha!" growled Padella.
"Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella,
calling himself King of Crim Tartary "
The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant
and Castle!" said the intrepid Hedzoff.
" To release from cowardly imprisonment his
liege lady and rightful Sovereign, ROSALBA,
Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal throne: in
default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak,
traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me,
with fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with
blunderbuss or singlestick, alone or at the head of his army, on
foot or on horseback; and will prove my words upon his wicked
ugly body!"
"God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff,
executing a demivolte, two semilunes, and three caracols.
"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific
calm of concentrated fury.
"That, sir, is all my royal master's message.
Here is his Majesty's letter in autograph, and here is his glove,
and if any gentleman of Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with
his Majesty's expressions, I, Tuffskin Hedzoff, Captain of the
Guard, am very much at his service," and he waved his lance, and
looked at the assembly all round.
"And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my
dear son's father-in-law, to this rubbish?" asked the King.
"The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown
he unjustly wore," said Hedzoff
gravely. "He and his ex-Minister, Glumboso, are now in prison
waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of
Bombardaro "
"Of what?" asked the surprised Padella.
"Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present
Majesty, would have performed prodigies of valor, but that the
whole of his uncle's army came over to our side, with the
exception of Prince Bulbo."
"Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!"
cried Padella.
"Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran
away, sir; but I caught him. The Prince is a prisoner in our
army, and the most terrific tortures await him if a hair of the
Princess Rosalba's head is injured."
"Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was
now perfectly livid with rage. "Do they indeed? So much
the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty sons as lovely each as Bulbo.
Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog,
starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo break all his bones
roast him or flay him alive pull all his pretty
teeth out one by one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me,
Joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my soul! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, rack-men, executioners
light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get lots of
boiling lead! Bring out ROSALBA!"
XVI.
HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO.
CAPTAIN HEDZOFF rode away when King Padella uttered this
cruel command, having done his duty in delivering the message
with which his royal master had entrusted him. Of course he was
very sorry for Rosalba, but what could he do?
So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found
the young monarch in a disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in
the royal tent. His Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the
news that was brought by his ambassador. "The brutal ruthless
ruffian royal wretch!" Giglio exclaimed. "As England's poesy has
well remarked, 'The man that lays his hand
upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.' Ha,
Hedzoff?"
"That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant.
"And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and
didn't the soothing oil the emollient oil, refuse to boil,
good Hedzoff and to spoil the fairest lady ever eyes did
look on?"
"Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and
see a beauteous lady boiling down; I took your royal message to
Padella, and bore his back to you. I told him you would hold
Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said that he had twenty sons as
good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the ruthless executioners
proceed."
"O cruel father O unhappy son!" cried the
King. "Go, some of you, and bring Prince Bulbo hither."
Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very
uncomfortable. Though a prisoner, he had been tolerably happy,
perhaps because his mind was at rest, and all the fighting was
over, and he was playing at marbles with his guards when the King
sent for him.
"Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks
of infinite compassion, "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see
Giglio wanted to break the thing gently to the Prince). "Thy
brutal father has condemned Rosalba p-p-p-ut her to death,
P-p-p-prince Bulbo!"
"What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out
Bulbo. "Betsinda! pretty Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the
dearest little girl in the world. I love her better twenty
thousand times even than Angelica," and he went on expressing his
grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the King was
quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he
wished he had known Bulbo sooner.
Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the
best, offered to come and sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar
with him, and console him. The royal kindness supplied
Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he said, since he was
taken prisoner.
And now think what must have been the feelings of
the most merciful of monarchs, when he informed his
prisoner that, in consequence of King Padella's cruel and
dastardly behavior to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must
instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his
tears, nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could
Bulbo himself, when the matter was explained to him, and he was
brought to understand that his Majesty's promise, of course, was
above everything, and Bulbo
must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to
console him, by pointing out that if he had won the battle of
Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince Giglio. "Yes! But that is
no comfort to me now!" said poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor
fellow.
He was told the business would be done the next
morning at eight, and was taken back to his dungeon, where every
attention was paid to him. The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and
the turnkey's daughter begged him to write his name in her album,
where a many gentlemen had written it on like occasions! "Bother
your album!" says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and measured him for
the handsomest coffin which money could buy:
But looking out of the window was one thing, and
jumping
So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his
clothes (the lazy boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't
mind about dressing, or having any breakfast, thank you; and he
saw the soldiers who had come for him. "Lead on!" he said; and
they led the way, deeply affected; and they came into the
courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio
come to take leave of him, and his Majesty most kindly shook
hands with him, and the gloomy procession marched
on: when hark!
"Haw wurraw wurraw aworr!"
A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should
come riding into the town, frightening away the boys, and even
the beadle and policeman, but ROSALBA!
The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered
into the court of Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with
King Padella, the lions made a dash at the open gate, gobbled up
the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and away they went with Rosalba
on the back of one of them, and they carried her, turn and turn
about, till they came to the city where Prince Giglio's army was
encamped.
When the KING heard of the
QUEEN'S arrival, you
may think how he rushed out of his breakfast-room to hand her
Majesty off her lion! The lions were grown as fat as pigs now,
having had Hogginarmo and all those beef-eaters, and were so
tame, anybody might pat them.
While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped
the Princess, Bulbo, for his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion.
He flung his arms round the forest monarch; he hugged him, and
laughed and cried for joy. "Oh, you darling old beast oh!
how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear Bets that is,
Rosalba."
"What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen."
Oh, how glad I am to see you," and she gave him her hand to
"So am I," said Bulbo; "and you know
why." Captain Hedzoff here came up. "Sire, it is half-past
eight: shall we proceed with the execution?"
"Execution? what for?" asked Bulbo.
"An officer only knows his orders," replied
Captain Hedzoff, showing his warrant, on which his Majesty King
Giglio smilingly said, "Prince Bulbo was reprieved this time,"
and most graciously invited him to breakfast.
XVII.
HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT.
AS soon as King Padella
heard, what we know already, that his victim, the lovely Rosalba,
had escaped him, his Majesty's fury knew no bounds, and he
pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer
of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of
boiling oil prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his
whole army, horse, foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head
of an innumerable host, and I should think twenty thousand
drummers, trumpeters, and fifers.
King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure,
kept that monarch acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he
was in nowise disconcerted. He was much too polite to alarm the
Princess, his lovely guest, with any unnecessary rumors of
battles impending; on the contrary, he did everything to amuse
and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch,
and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced with her
every single dance.
Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and
allowed to go quite free now. He had new clothes given him, was
called "My good cousin" by his Majesty, and was treated with the
greatest distinction by everybody. But it was easy to see he was
very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of Betsinda, who looked
perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo frantic
in love with her again. And he never thought about Angelica, now
Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we know,
did not care much about him.
The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with
Rosalba, remarked with wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba
told him how she had got it from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had
picked it up when Angelica flung it away.
"Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to
see the young people, and who had very likely certain plans
regarding them. "That ring I gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who
was not, saving your presence, a very wise woman; it is
enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the eyes of
the world. I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the
present of a rose which made him look handsome while he
had it; but he gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked
beautiful again, whilst Bulbo relapsed into his natural
plainness."
"Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio,
with a low bow. "She is beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any
enchanted aid."
"Oh, sir!" said Rosalba.
"Take off the ring and try," said the King, and
resolutely drew the ring off her finger. In his eyes she
looked just as handsome as before!
The King was thinking of throwing the ring away,
as it was so dangerous and made all the people so mad about
Rosalba; but being a Prince of great humor, and good-humor too,
he cast eyes upon a poor youth who happened to be looking on very
disconsolately, and said
"Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring.
The Princess Rosalba makes it a present to you." The magic
properties of this ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner had
Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold, he appeared a personable,
agreeable young Prince enough with a fine complexion, fair
hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were encased
in such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody
remarked them. And Bulbo's spirits rose up almost immediately
after he had looked in the glass, and he talked to their
Majesties in the most lively, agreeable manner, and danced
opposite the Queen with one of the prettiest maids of honor, and
after looking at her Majesty, could not help saying "How
very odd! she is very pretty, but not so extraordinarily
handsome." "Oh no, by no means!" says the Maid of Honor.
"But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who
overheard them, "if you think I am good-looking enough?"
His Majesty's glance in reply to this
affectionate speech was such that no painter could draw it. And
the Fairy Blackstick said, "Bless you, my darling children! Now
you are united and happy; and now you see what I said from the
first, that a little misfortune has done you both good.
you, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would
scarcely have learned to read or write you would have been
idle and extravagant, and could not have been a good King as now
you will be. You, Rosalba, would have been so flattered, that
your little head might have been turned like Angelica's, who
thought herself too good for Giglio."
"As if anybody could be good enough for
him," cried Rosalba.
"Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she
was; and he was just holding out his arms in order to give her a
hug before the whole company, when a messenger came rushing in,
and said, "My Lord, the enemy!"
"To arms!" cries Giglio.
"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course.
He snatched one kiss from her lips, and rushed forth to the
field of battle!
The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of
armor, which was not only embroidered all over with jewels, and
blinding to your eyes to look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof,
and sword-proof; so that in the midst of the very hottest battles
his Majesty rode about as calmly as if he had been a British
Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for my country,
I should like such a suit of armor as Prince Giglio
wore; but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they
always have these wonderful things.
Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy
horse, which would gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy
sword, which would lengthen and run through a whole regiment of
enemies at once. With such a weapon at command, I wonder, for my
part, he thought of ordering his army out; but forth they all
came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's two
college friends each commanding a division, and his Majesty
prancing in person at the head of them all.
Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison,
my dear friends, would I not now entertain you with the account
of a most tremendous shindy? Should not fine blows be struck?
dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows darken the air? cannon-balls
crash through the battalions? cavalry charge infantry? infantry
pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes
sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout out "Forward,
my men!" "This way, lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight for King
Giglio, and the cause of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would I
not describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language
too? But this humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for
the description of combats. In a word, the overthrow of King
Padella's army was so complete, that if they had been Russians
you could not have wished them to be more utterly smashed and
confounded.
As for that usurping monarch, having performed
acts of valor much more considerable than could be expected of a
royal ruffian and usurper, who had such a bad cause, and who was
so cruel to women, as for King Padella, I say, when his
army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking his first general,
Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping away on the
Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or twenty-six of
his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding Punchikoff
down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of him.
Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse
could lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you
somebody else galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt
you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, "Stay,
traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend thyself! Stand, tyrant,
coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut thy ugly head from thy
usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy sword, which elongated
itself at will, his Majesty kept poking and prodding Padella in
the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish.
When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned
and dealt Prince Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with
his battle-axe, a most enormous weapon, which had cut down I
don't know how many regiments in the course of the afternoon.
But, law bless you! though the blow fell right down on his
Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if Padella had
struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in
Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at
the impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper.
At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar
monarch was justly irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride
a fairy horse, and wear fairy armor, what on earth is the use of
my hitting you? I may as well give myself up a prisoner at once.
Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so mean as to strike a poor
fellow who can't strike again?"
The justice of Padella's remark struck the
magnanimous Giglio. "Do you yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?"
says he.
"Of course I do," says Padella.
"Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful
Queen, and give up the crown and all your treasures to your
rightful mistress?"
"If I must, I must," says Padella, who was
naturally very sulky.
By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come
up, whom his Majesty ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied
his hands behind him, and bound his legs tight under his horse,
having set him with his face to the tail; and in this fashion he
was led back to King Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very
dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined.
Padella (who was a very different person in the
depth of his distress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim
Tartar crown), now most affectionately and earnestly asked to see
his son his dear eldest boy his darling Bulbo; and
that good-natured young man never once reproached his haughty
parent for his unkind conduct the day before, when he would have
left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to see his
father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond
which he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches
from the grand supper which his Majesty was giving above stairs,
in honor of the brilliant victory which had just been achieved.
"I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo,
who was in his best ball dress, as he handed his father in the
prog. "I am engaged to dance the next quadrille with her Majesty
Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles playing at this very
moment."
So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the
wretched Padella ate his solitary supper in silence and tears.
All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing,
feasting, fun, illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts
ensued. The people through whose villages they passed were
ordered to illuminate their cottages at night, and scatter
flowers on the roads during the day. They were requested, and I
promise you they did not like to refuse, to serve the troops
liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was enriched
by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King
Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had
given up everything) were allowed to fraternise with the
conquerors; and the united forces marched back by easy stages
towards King Giglio's capital, his royal banner and that of Queen
Rosalba being carried in front of the troops. Hedzoff was made a
Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones were promoted to be
Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the Paflagonian
decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their
Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon
of the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never
appeared without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people
cheered them as they rode along side by side! They were
pronounced to be the handsomest couple ever seen: that was a
matter of course; but they really were very handsome,
and, had they been otherwise,
would have looked so, they were so happy! Their Majesties were
never separated during the whole day, but breakfasted, dined, and
supped together always, and rode side by side, interchanging
elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful
conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had
all rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came
and conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King
Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew
As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the
galleys, and never had an opportunity to steal any more.
XVIII.
HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL.
THE Fairy Blackstick, by
whose means this young King and Queen had certainly won their
respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently, to pay them
a little visit as they were riding in their triumphal
progress towards Giglio's capital change her wand into a
pony, and travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very
best advice. I am not sure that King Giglio did not think the
Fairy and her advice rather a bore, fancying it was his own valor
and merits which had put him on his throne, and conquered
Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself airs towards
his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal justly by
his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his
promise when he had once given it and in all respects to
be a good King.
"A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of
course he will. Break his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would
ever do anything so improper, so unlike him? No! never!" And she
looked fondly towards Giglio, whom she thought a pattern of
perfection.
"Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and
telling me how to manage my government, and warning me to keep my
word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of sense, and a man of
honor?" asks Giglio testily. "Methinks she rather presumes upon
her position."
"Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know
Blackstick has been very kind to us, and we must not offend her."
But the Fairy was not listening to Giglio's testy observations,
she had fallen back, and was trotting on her pony now, by Master
Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made himself generally
beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and
good-humor to everybody. He was eager to see his darling
Angelica. He thought there never was such a charming being.
Blackstick did not tell him it was the possession of the magic
rose that made Angelica so lovely in his eyes. She brought him
the very best accounts of his little wife, whose misfortunes and
humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; and, you see,
she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a minute, and
be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo to
Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man
upon his journey.
When the Royal party arrived at the last stage
before you reach Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her
carriage there with her lady of honor by her side, but the
Princess Angelica! She rushed into her husband's arms, scarcely
stopping to make a passing curtsey to the King and Queen. She had
no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly lovely to her on
account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she herself,
wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful
to the enraptured Bulbo.
A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal
party, of which the Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff,
Countess Gruffanuff, and all our friends partook the Fairy
Blackstick being seated on the left of King Giglio, with Bulbo
and Angelica beside her. You could hear the joy-bells ringing in
the capital, and the guns which the citizens were firing off in
honor of their Majesties.
"What can have induced that hideous old
Gruffanuff to dress herself up in such an absurd way? Did you ask
her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?" says Giglio to Rosalba.
"What a figure of fun Gruffy is!"
Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties,
between the Archbishop and the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of
fun she certainly was, for she was dressed in a low white silk
dress,
with lace over, a wreath of white roses on her wig, a splendid
lace veil, and her yellow old neck was covered with diamonds. She
ogled the King in such a manner that his Majesty burst out
laughing.
"Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great
Cathedral bell of Blombodinga tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and
ladies, we must be starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I
think, before twelve?"
"We must be at church before twelve," sighs out
Gruffanuff in a languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her
fan.
"And then I shall be the happiest man in my
dominions," cries Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing
Rosalba.
"Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims
Gruffanuff; "and can it be that this happy moment at length has
arrived "
"Of course it has arrived," says the King.
" And that I am about to become the
enraptured bride of my adored Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff.
"Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I certainly shall faint
with joy."
"You my bride?" roars out Giglio.
"You marry my Prince?" cried poor little
Rosalba.
"Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the
King. And all the courtiers exhibited by their countenances and
expressions, marks of surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or
wonder.
"I should like to know who else is going to be
married, if I am not?" shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to
know if King Giglio is a gentleman, and if there is such a thing
as justice in Paflagonia? Lord Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop!
will your Lordships sit by and see a poor, fond, confiding,
tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised to marry
his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper
declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And she handed to his
Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that
evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much
champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses,
read "This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of
Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming
Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late
Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq."
"H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is
certainly a a document."
"Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature
is not in his Majesty's handwriting." Indeed, since his studies
at Bosforo, Giglio had made an immense improvement in caligraphy.
"Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy
Blackstick, with an awful severity of countenance.
"Yyyes," poor Giglio gasps out,
"I had quite forgotten the confounded paper: she can't mean to
hold me by it. You old wretch, what will you take to let me off?
Help the Queen, some one her Majesty has fainted."
"Chop her head off!" exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, the
ardent Smith, and the faithful Jones.
But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the
Archbishop's neck, and bellowed out, "Justice, justice, my Lord
Chancellor!" so loudly, that her piercing shrieks caused
everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was borne away lifeless
by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony which Giglio
cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his
darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the
horrid old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more
shrieked out, "Justice, justice!"
"Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso
hid?" says Giglio; "two hundred and eighteen thousand millions,
or thereabouts. It's a handsome sum."
"I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff.
"Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain,"
gasps out Giglio.
"I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says
Gruffanuff.
"Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths,
nineteen-twentieths, of my kingdom do, Countess?" asks the
trembling monarch.
"What were all Europe to me without you,
my Giglio?" cries Gruff, kissing his hand.
"I won't, I can't, I shan't, I'll resign
the crown first," shouts Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff
clung to it.
"I have a competency, my love," she says, "and
with thee and a cottage thy Barbara will be happy."
Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I
will not marry her," says he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me
counsel?" And as he spoke he looked wildly round at the severe
face of the Fairy Blackstick.
"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and
warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose that I am not a man
of honor?'" said the Fairy, quoting Giglio's own
haughty words. He quailed under the brightness of her eyes; he
felt that there was no escape for him from that awful
inquisition.
"Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice,
that made his Grace start, "since this Fairy has led me to the
height of happiness but to dash me down into the depths of
despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let me at least keep my
honor. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I can keep my
word, but I can die afterwards."
"Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up,
"I knew, I knew I could trust thee I knew that my Prince
was the soul of honor. Jump into your carriages, ladies and
gentlemen, and let us go to church at once; and as for dying,
dear Giglio, no, no: thou wilt forget that insignificant
little chambermaid of a Queen thou wilt live to be
consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a
Queen Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor Giglio's
arm, and leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting
manner, this old wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and
jumped into the very carriage which had been got ready to convey
Giglio and Rosalba to church. The cannons roared again, the bells
pealed triple-bobmajors, the people came out flinging flowers
upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, and Gruff looked
out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to them. Phoo!
the horrid old wretch!
XIX.
AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME.
THE many ups and downs of
her life had given the Princess Rosalba prodigious strength of
mind, and that highly principled young woman presently recovered
from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy Blackstick, by a
precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her pocket,
awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning
herself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done,
Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her
subjects; and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was
determined, as she told the Fairy, not to interfere between him
and justice, or to cause him to break his royal word.
"I cannot marry him, but I shall love him
always," says she to Blackstick; "I will go and be present at his
marriage with the Countess, and sign the book, and wish them
happy with all my heart. I will see, when I get home, whether I
cannot make the new Queen some handsome presents. The Crim
Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I shall never
have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried like Queen
Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when
I quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy,
let me say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I
will return to my own dominions."
So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar
tenderness, and at once changed her wand into a very comfortable
coach-and-four, with a steady coachman, and two respectable
footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba got into the coach,
which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As for honest Bulbo,
he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite overcome by
Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's
sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of
Duke Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the
coach, Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar
Empire. The coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came
up with the bridal procession.
Before the ceremony at church it was the custom
in Paflagonia, as it is in other countries, for the bride and
bridegroom to sign the Contract of Marriage, which was to be
witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord Mayor, and principal
officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was being painted and
furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of the King
and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence
at the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when
Angelica was born, and before he usurped the throne.
So the marriage-party drove up to the palace: the
dignitaries got out of their carriages and stood aside: poor
Rosalba stepped out of her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood
almost fainting up against the railings so as to have a last look
of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she, according to her
custom, had flown out of the coach window in some inscrutable
manner, and was now standing at the palace door.
Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride
on his arm, looking as pale as if he was going to execution. He
only frowned at the Fairy Blackstick he was angry with
her, and thought she came to insult his misery.
"Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff
haughtily. "I
wonder why you are always poking your nose into other people's
affairs?"
"Are you determined to make this poor young man
unhappy?" says Blackstick.
"To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours?
Pray, madam, don't say 'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff.
"You won't take the money he offered you?"
"No."
"You won't let him off his bargain, though you
know you cheated him when you made him sign the paper?"
"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries
Gruffanuff. And the policemen were rushing forward, but with a
wave of her wand the Fairy struck them all like so many statues
in their places.
"You won't take anything in exchange for your
bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I
speak for the last time."
"No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot.
"I'll have my husband, my husband, my husband!"
"You SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing
a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER.
As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to
elongate, the open mouth opened still wider, and uttered a roar
which made everybody start. The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and
legs uncurled themselves, writhed about, and seemed to lengthen
with each twist; the knocker expanded into a figure in yellow
livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was fixed to the
door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the threshold off which
he had been lifted more than twenty years ago!
"Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his
old voice; and Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful youp,
fell down in a fit, in which nobody minded her.
For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!"
"Hip, hip, hurray!" "Long live the King and Queen!" "Were such
things ever seen?" "No, never, never, never!" "The Fairy
Blackstick for ever!"
The bells were ringing double peals, the guns
roaring and banging most prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing
everybody; the Lord Chancellor was flinging up his wig and
shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the Archbishop round the
waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as for Giglio, I
leave
you to imagine what he was doing, and if he kissed Rosalba once,
twice twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he was
wrong.
So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low
bow, just as he had been accustomed to do, and they all went in
and signed the book, and then they went to church and were
married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed away on her cane, and
was never more heard of in Paflagonia.
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(End.)