BURGLAR BILL

EXAMPLE No. I

STYLE: THE "SYMPATHETIC ARTLESS"

THE compiler would not be acting fairly by the young Reciter if, in recommending the following poem as a subject for earnest study, he did not caution him — or her — not to be betrayed by the apparent simplicity of this exercise into the grave error of under-estimating its real difficulty.    It is true that it is an illustration of Pathos of an elementary order (we shall reach the advanced kind at a later stage), but, for all that, this piece bristles with as many points as a porcupine, and consequently requires the most cautious and careful handling.    Upon the whole, it is perhaps better suited to students of the softer sex.    Announce the title with a suggestion of shy innocence — in this way:

BURGLAR [>now open both eyes very wide>] BILL [>Then go on in a hushed voice, and with an air of wonder at the world's iniquity.>] I Through a window in the attic, Brawny Burglar Bill has crept; Seeking stealthily a chamber Where the jewellery is kept. [>Pronounce either "jewelry" or "joolery," according to taste.>] II He is furnished with a "jemmy," Centre-bit, and carpet-bag, For the latter "comes in handy," So he says, "to stow the swag." [>"Jemmy," "centre-bit," "carpet-bag," are important words — put good colouring into them.>] III Here, upon the second landing, He, secure, may work his will Down below's a dinner-party, Up above — the house is still. [>Here start and extend first finger, remembering to make it waggle slightly, as from fear.>] IV Suddenly — in spellbound horror, All his satisfaction ends — For a little white-robed figure By the banister descends! [>This last line requires care in delivery, or it may be imagined that the little figure is sliding DOWN the banisters, which would simply ruin the effect. Note the bold but classic use of the singular in "banister," which is more pleasing to a nice ear than the plural.>] V Bill has reached for his revolver, [>Business here with your fan.>] Yet — he hesitates to fire... Child is it? [>in a dread whisper>] or — apparition, That provokes him to perspire? VI Can it be his guardian angel, Sent to stay his hand from crime? [>In a tone of awe.>] He could wish she had selected Some more seasonable time! [>Touch of peevish discontent here.>] VII "Go away!" he whispers hoarsely, "Burglars hev their bread ter earn. I don't need no Gordian angel Givin' of me sech a turn!" [>Shudder here, and retreat, shielding eyes with hand.>] [>Now change your manner to a naive surprise; this, in spite of anything we may have said previously, is in this particular instance NOT best indicated by a shrill falsetto.>] VIII But the blue eyes open wider, Ruby lips reveal their pearl: [>This must not be taken to refer to the Burglar.>] "I is not a Garden anzel, Only — dust a yickle dirl! [>Be particularly artless here and through next stanza.>] IX "On the thtairs to thit I'm doin' Till the tarts and dellies tum; Partinthon (our Butler) alwayth Thaves for Baby Bella thome! X "Poor man, 'oo is yookin' 'ungwy — Leave 'oo burgling fings up dere; Tum viz me and share the sweeties, Thitting on the bottom thtair!" [>In rendering the above the young Reciter should strive to be idiomatic without ever becoming idiotic — which is not so easy as might be imagined.>] XI "Reely, Miss, you must excoose me!" Says the Burglar with a jerk; [>Indicate embarrassment here by smoothing down the folds of your gown, and swaying awkwardly.>] "Dooty calls, and time is pressing; I must set about my work!" [>This with a gruff conscientiousness.>] XII [>Now assume your wide-eyed innocence again.>] "Is 'oo work to bweak in houses Nana told me so, I'm sure! Will 'oo see if 'oo can manage To bweak in my dolls'-house door XIII "I tan never det it undone, So my dollies tan't det out; They don't yike the fwont to open Every time they'd walk about! XIV "Twy, and — if 'oo does it nithely — When I'm thent upthtairs to thleep, [>Don't overdo the lisp.>] I will bwing 'oo up thome doodies, 'Oo thall have them all — to keep!" XV [>Pause here; then, with intense feeling and sympathy.>] Off the little "angel" flutters; [>Delicate stress on "angel.">] But the Burglar — wipes his brow. He is wholly unaccustomed To a kindly greeting now! [>Tremble in voice here.>] XVI Never with a smile of welcome Has he seen his entrance met! Nobody — except the policeman — [>bitterly>] Ever wanted him as yet! XVII Many a stately home he's entered, But, with unobtrusive tact, He has ne'er, in paying visits, Called attention to the fact. XVIII Gain he counts it, on departing, Should he have avoided strife. [>In tone of passionate lament.>] Ah, my Brothers, but the Burglar's Is a sad, a lonely life! XIX All forgotten now the jewels, Once the purpose of his "job"; Down he sinks upon the door-mat, With a deep and choking sob. XX Then, the infant's plea recalling, Seeks the nursery above; Looking for the Lilliputian Crib he is to crack — for love! [>It is more usually done for MONEY.>] XXI In the corner stands the dolls'-house, Gaily painted green and red; [>Colouring again here.>] And its door declines to open, Even as the child has said! XXII Forth come centre-bit and jemmy: [>Briskly.>] All his implements are plied; [>Enthusiastically.>] Never has he burgled better! As he feels, with honest pride. XXIII Deftly is the task accomplished, For the door will open well; When a childish voice behind him Breaks the silence — like a bell. XXIV "Sank 'oo, Misser Burglar, sank 'oo! And, betause 'oo's been so nice, See what I have dot — a cheese-cake! Gweat big gweedies ate the ice." [>Resentful accent on "ate.">] XXV "Pappa says he wants to see 'oo, Partinthon is tummin too — Tan't 'oo wait?" [>This with guileless surprise — then change to husky emotion.>] — "Well, not this evenin', So, my little dear [>brusquely>], adoo!" XXVI [>You are now to produce your greatest effect; the audience should be made actually to see the poor hunted victim of social prejudice escaping, consoled in the very act of flight by memories of this last adventure — the one bright and cheering episode, possibly, in his entire professional career.>] Fast he speeds across the housetops! — [>Rapid delivery for this.>] [>Very gently>] But his bosom throbs with bliss, For upon his rough lips linger Traces of a baby's kiss. [>Most delicate treatment will be necessary in the last couplet — or the audience may understand it in a painfully literal sense.>] * * * * [>You have nothing before you now but the finale. Make the contrast as marked as possible.>] XXVII Dreamily on downy pillow [>Soft musical intonation for this.>] Baby Bella murmurs sweet: [>Smile here with sleepy tenderness.>] "Burglar, tum adain, and thee me... I will dive 'oo cakes to eat!" [>That is one side of the medal — now for the other.>] XXVIII [>Harsh but emotional.>] In a garret, worn and weary, Burglar Bill has sunk to rest, Clasping tenderly a crumpled Cheesecake to his burly breast. [>Dwell lovingly upon the word "cheesecake," which you should press home upon every one of your hearers, remembering to fold your hands lightly over your heart as you conclude. If you do not find that several susceptible and eligible bachelors have been knocked completely out of time by this little recitation, you will have made less progress in your Art than may be confidently anticipated.>]

THE CONSCIENCE-CURST!

EXAMPLE No. 4

STYLE: THE MELODRAMATIC WEIRD

IT is the dearest wish of most young Amateur Reciters to succeed — though but for one moment — in curdling a horrified audience. This desire, if restrained within moderate bounds, is by no means deserving of discouragement. There is no reason whatever why audiences should not be curdled — provided they do not personally object to this form of dissipation. The only danger is that he who goes forth to curdle may excite nothing more than a mild amusement, which, to all intents and purposes, amounts to a failure in Art. However, the Student may dismiss any gloomy anticipations of this kind in the case of the present piece, on condition, of course, that the accompanying directions are implicitly followed in public, for, unless the pupil is willing to submit to our method, we cannot guarantee him even a moderate degree of success.    As before, you should devote special attention to your title, which may be announced after this fashion. Stalk into the middle of the room or platform, with one hand in your bosom and your eyes staring as in a trance. Then, in a hollow voice, hurl the name of the poem at the nearest old lady:

THE CONSCIENCE-CURST! [>And, if you do it properly, she will jump like anything>] I The night-owl shrieked: a gibbous moon peered pallid o'er the yew; The clammy tombstones each distilled a dank unwholesome dew; [>Shudder here with your shoulders.>] As through the sleeping village passed a wight of aspect weird, Whose haggard face was half obscured by a long neglected beard. [>In order that the audience should grasp this idea, you should pass your hand lightly over your chin.>] II His convex spectacles gave back the gleaming of the moon, He wore a pair of overcoats, although the time was June. [>Give a dark significance to this piece of apparent eccentricity.>] Two slippers wrought in faded wools hid his ungainly feet, And he danced a grisly polka-step all down the silent street. [>You might just indicate this, if you think you can do so in a sufficiently ghastly and impressive manner; otherwise — don't.>] III Then, by the village green, he gave a conscience-stricken jump, As guiltily he gazed upon the Presentation Pump! [>Start here, as if you had just observed a centipede upon the carpet.>] "How like," he muttered with a groan, "my uncle as he slept!" Then raised its handle reverently — but found it cold, and wept. [>In last line bend slightly forward with extended hand, then allow your arm to drop lifelessly to your side, and bow your head twice, very solemnly. We have seen this most effective in other pieces.>] IV The rural Policeman [>Raise voice at "Policeman," with a confidential look at audience.>] on his round observed the Stranger grim; "I'd better step across," he thought, "an' hev a talk with him. [>Country accent for this.>] It doan't sim nateral nohow as poomps should prompt 'Ere, what be you about?" said he. [>Pause; then in a hollow voice>] "Confession brings relief!" V The Stranger answered, with a smile that froze his hearer's blood. [>Try to do this smile yourself.>] Then down upon the stones he sank with a dull and heavy thud, The hearse-plume nodding in his hat as he inclined his head. "Full long," he wailed, "upon this heart the worm hath banqueted!" VI (A drifting scud had veiled the moon, and sicklier she shone As he began:) "You never knew, methinks, my Uncle John? A better, aye, a bulkier man this earth has hardly seen — He was the first that ever burst a 'Try-your-weight' machine! [>A melancholy pride as you mention this.>] VII "And I [>with a smile full of misery>], ah, me! a careless lad, I sported at his side, That was before a kinsman's gore these felon hands had dyed! [>Look disparagingly at your hands.>] Before the stain was on my brow, that sickens as it shames! [>Gesture of loathing.>] Ere yet my knife had let the life from gentle Uncle James! VIII "My Uncle James resided in the neighbourhood of York; A dentist (so the rumour ran), a connoisseur in pork. [>Tender stress on last word.>] Ah! could I have predicted then that I should deal a blow Upon the highly-polished head of generous Uncle Joe! IX "My Uncle Joseph sold ('purvey,' I think, he termed it) meat, His veins with vital fluid were abnormally replete! [>Close your eyes, and shiver here, as if at some unpleasing reminiscence.>] Who would have thought so old a man ——?... [>with a dazed abruptness>]. Enough! — Within the tank I flung the still unconscious corpse of my favourite Uncle Frank! [>Here you should strike the attitude of a man who is hurling a favourite uncle to his doom.>] X "My Uncle Francis was a man to know was to esteem. At times I hear him coughing yet — ah! only in a dream! Is that a step behind the pump? [>Nervous movement>] Nay, craven heart, be still! [>Hand clutching side, cowering attitude.>] Till I have told how, for his gold — [>bitter emphasis on "gold," as if it had turned out, on the whole, less than you were given to expect>] — I struck down Uncle Bill!" XI [>A slight pause here. Some amateurs would pull down their cuffs at this point; but we cannot recommend this method of fixing an audience's attention; it is a little inartistic.>] A stolid but attentive eye on him the Policeman fixed: "It seems to me as how," said he, "you've got your uncles mixed!" A ray of recollection seemed the Stranger's brain to strike; [>Both hands to forehead.>] "Perchance!" he owned; "they were," he moaned, "so wondrously alike! [>Here you should allow your eyes to wander wildly round the room before beginning the next line, which should be given with a pathetic effort to be calm and collected.>] XII "But let me recapitulate my catalogue of crime! — Old Uncle Robert" — [>Complete alteration of manner here.>] — Hastily alleging, "Want of time," The hearer fled. "My gloomy tale the rustic soul alarms," The Stranger mused.... That night he slept — within the Railway Arms! [>The last line is full of the deepest suggestion, so do not slur over its full significance. Owing to a certain strain of mysticism in some of the lines, you may find that your audience does not quite understand this Recitation on a first hearing; but of course if you detect any symptoms of this, you can always offer, like Mrs. Leo Hunter, to recite it again.>]

THE WRECK OF THE STEAMSHIP "PUFFIN"

EXAMPLE No. 7

STYLE: THE MARINE EMOTIONAL

NAUTICAL Recitations are always deservedly popular, and no young Reciter can consider his training complete until he has learnt to deliver a piece of this kind with a due eye to effect. For reasons which have been explained earlier, the Compiler cannot consistently with his aims select an example which is already famous, and so he has done his best to construct one for himself upon the lines of a poem, perhaps the most stirring and celebrated of them all. He has called it:

THE WRECK OF THE STEAMSHIP "PUFFIN" I Tell you a story, children? Well, gather round my knee, And I'll see if I cannot thrill you (though you're torpid after your tea), With a moving tale of a shipwreck; and — should you refrain from sleep, For the cake was a trifle heavy — I flatter myself you'll weep! [>This with modest confidence.>] II You all know Kensington Gardens, and some of you, I'll be bound, [>Pleasantly conversational.>] Have stood by the level margin of the Pond that's entitled "Round"; 'Tis a pleasant spot on a summer day, when the air is laden with balm, [>Here inhale with intense appreciation.>] And each snowy sail is reflected clear in a mirror of flawless calm! III [>Now shut off all your sunlight, and pile up the shadows; try to awaken interest, awe, foreboding.>] Well, it isn't like that in the winter [>very serious here>] when the gardens are shut at four, And a wind is lashing the water, and driving the ducks ashore. [>Dwell on your "ducks.">] Ah! the Pond can be black and cruel then, with its waves running inches high, And a peril lurks for the tautest yacht that pocket-money can buy! IV Yet, [>hinted condemnation here>] in weather like this, with a howling blast and a sky of ominous gloom, Did the good ship "Puffin" put out to sea, as if trying to tempt her doom! [>Explanatory aside.>] She was a model steamer, on the latest approved design, And her powerful 20-slug engines were driven by spirits of wine. V And a smarter crew (they were sixpence each!) never shipped on a model bark, While her Captain, "Nuremberg Noah," had once commanded an ark; Like a fine old salt of the olden school, he had stuck to his wooden ship, But, lately, he'd been promoted — and this was his trial trip. [>Tender sympathetic stress on "trial" and "trip," which are important words.>] VI Away went the "Puffin" when steam was up, with her crew and commander brave! [>Heartily.>] And her screw was whizzing behind her as she breasted the foaming wave; Danger? each sixpenny seaman smiled at the notion of that! [>Smile here with the vapid placidity of a sixpenny sailor.>] [>Cloud your brows suddenly.>] But the face of the skipper looked thoughtful from under his broad-brimmed hat. VII Was he thinking then of his children three — of Japheth, and Ham, and Shem? Or his elephants (each with a trunk unglued!), was he sad at the thought of them? Or the door at the end of his own old ark — did it give him a passing pain To reflect that its unreal knocker might never deceive him again? [>You should deliver all these queries with intense feeling unadulterated by any vulgar curiosity.>] VIII [>Very solemn here.>] Nay, children, I cannot answer — he had passed inquiry beyond: He was far away on the billowy waste of the wild and heaving Pond, [>You should throw a wailing inflection into this last line.>] Battling hard with the angry crests of the waves, that were rolling in And seeking to overwhelm and swamp his staggering vessel of tin! IX [>For next stanza, change attitude and look off right, shading your eyes — as if you saw a vessel in difficulties out beyond the grand piano.>] Suddenly, speed she slackened, and seemed of her task to tire... Aye! for the seas she had shipped of late had extinguished her engine fire! And the park-keeper, watching her, shook his head and in manner unfeeling cried: "'Twill be nothing short of a miracle now if she makes the opposite side!" X Think of it, children — that tiny ship, tossed in the boiling froth, Drifting about at the wild caprice of the elements' fitful wrath! Her screw-propeller was useless now that the flame that had fed it was out, And the invalids gazed from their snug bath-chairs, till they almost forgot the gout. XI [>Wilder attitude; voice raised to a moderate shriek.>] Help for the gallant vessel! she is overborne by the blast! [>Hold on desperately to a chair.>] She is shipping water by spoonfuls now, I tell you she's sinking fast! "Hi!" cried one of her owners to a spaniel, liver and black, "Good dog, into the water quick!" [>Clap your hands encouragingly, then, in accents of the deepest disgust.>]... But the park-keeper [>pause>] held it back! XII Yes, spite of indignant pleadings from the eager excited crowd, He quoted a pedant bye-law: "No dogs in the water allowed." Then shame on the regulations that would hinder an honest dog From plunging in to assist a ship that is rolling a helpless log! [>This with a noble scorn.>] XIII Stand by all! for she'll ride it out — though she's left to do it alone. She was drifting in, she was close at hand — when [>lugubriously>] down she went like a stone! A few feet more and they had her safe — and now, it was all too late. For the "Puffin" had foundered in sight of port, by a stroke of ironical Fate! [>Shake your head with impressive mournfulness here, both audience and speaker should now remain silent for a few moments in the purest sympathy — then go on more cheerfully.>] XIV But the other owner was standing by, and, tossing her tangled locks, Down she sat on the nearest seat — and took off her shoes and socks! [>The words "shoes and socks" are capable of infinite pathos.>] "One kiss, brother!" she murmured, "one clutch of your strong right hand — And I'll paddle out to the 'Puffin,' and bring her in safe to land!" [>A grand heroic burst, as you announce this splendid determination.>] XV What can a barefooted child do? More than the Pampered cur, With his chicken-fed carcase shrinking, afraid from the bank to stir! More than a baffled spaniel — aye, and more than the pug-dog pet, That wrinkles his ebony muzzle, and whines if his paws are wet! [>Even a very ordinary elocutionist should work his audience up to the point of hissing here; pronounce the words " baffled spaniel " indulgently, but brand the "cur" and "pug-dog" with your most scathing contempt.>] XVI "Come back!" the park-keeper shouted — but she merely answered, "I won't!" And into the water she waded — though the invalids whimpered, "Don't!" Ah! but the Pond struck chilly, and the mud at the bottom was thick; [>At the word "Ah!" draw up one leg slightly.>] But in she paddled, and probed it with the point of a borrowed stick! XVII "Don't let go of me, darling!" [>Colloquial — but true to nature>]. "Keep hold of my fingers tight, And I'll have it out in a minute or two... I haven't got up to it quite: A minute more, and the sunken ship we'll safe to the surface bring, [>Here look upwards, your whole face softened and ennobled by devoted courage, then relax into a smile of rapture.>] Yes, and the sixpenny sailors, too, that we lashed to the funnel with string!" XVIII Up to the knees in the water, [>this with deep commiseration>] Ethel and brother Ralph Groped, till they found the "Puffin" and her sailors, soppy — but safe! [>Let the last two words ring out like trumpet-notes.>] All the dear little sailors! [>Check yourself, and assume a serious agitation>]... but — [>gulp>] Children — I can't go on! For poor old wooden-faced Noah was — how shall I tell you? [>a short choke>] — gone! XIX [>With intense solemnity.>] He must have fallen over, out of that heeling boat, Away in the dim grey offing, to rise and to fall like a float, Till the colour deserted his face and form, as it might at an infant's suck, And he sank to his rest in his sailor's tomb — the maw of a hungry duck! [>Here you allow your voice to die away in a reverent whisper, and then, after a slight pause, to let your audience perceive the moisture in your eyes, continue in a gentle voice.>] XX You are weeping? I cannot wonder. Mine is a pathetic style. Weep for him, children, freely... [>Now with a gradual transition from tears to triumph.>] But, when you have finished, smile With joy for his shipmates, rescued as though by a Prospero's wand, And the "Puffin," snatched from the slimy depths of the Round but treacherous Pond! [>Circular sweep of your right arm as you finish, and, unless we are much mistaken, you will find a popular audience respond in a way you will remember all your days.>]

A FORGONE VENGEANCE!

EXAMPLE No. 10

STYLE: THE "TRIUMPHANT-TRAGIC"

SOME have remarked that the young Reciter is seldom happy in his delivery of blank verse. To which others have replied that he does not deserve to be. But the persevering Student may be advised to ignore these unmannerly and ill-natured gibes, and to give his most careful attention to the intensely dramatic soliloquy he will find under this heading, after which no blank verse will ever present difficulty to him again.    We call it:

A FOREGONE VENGEANCE! [>To render this recitation completely effective, it is essential that you should provide yourself with an ordinary Windsor chair, and a long print peignoir, or wrapper. Place your chair well to the right, and then come on from the O.P. (that is, the same side), crouching and looking off left with an air of tigerish anticipation. Now begin:>] 'Tis he! Can I mistake the clustered curls Upon that hated hyacinthine head? Did they not wile from me the fickle heart Of perjured Bandolina? [>In a hissing voice.>] [>Affect to be cautiously observing>]... There he stands: Before my window, where yon winsome form, Rotating slow in measured self-display, Attracts his errant eye.... [>Here extend arms in passionate invocation.>] Now, demi-siren, Look languor at him from pellucid orbs, Wreathe waxen arms, and lure him in — to Me! So, once again!... he wavers... he is mine! [>Savage, exultation which is usually performed with the eyebrows.>] Let me be calm. [>Self-restraint, indicated by violent heaving of shirt-front.>] Good morning, Sir, to you. I pray you [>with a forced and ghastly smile>] step within, and seat yourself — I will attend ere long. [>Hold open imaginary door, and close it stealthily before you resume.>] My bird is trapped — And knows me not! [>With dark suspicion, which you can easily convey by half closing your eyes, and pressing the knuckle of your bent forefinger against lower lip.>] Unless I be deceived, No hazard freak of hooded Fortune's urn, [>A nasty line for the "h"-less.>] But Bandolina's dainty insolence Dispatched him hither. Ha! the victim calls; I come anon, Sir! [>Fawningly, and accompanied by a glance of withering hate levelled full at your unconscious chair.>] Patience, peevish worm, Why thus anticipate the time to writhe? [>This in a fierce aside.>] [>Now draw the chair forward with an exaggerated deference, under which should lurk a subdued ferocity. Speak the following lines smoothly and trippingly, accompanying them with such by-play as may suggest itself to you.>] I crave your pardon for my tardiness; Suffer me to dispose these lendings — thus. [>Here take the wrapper, and shake it out.>] This band above the elbows — tighter — so. Nay, Sir, I do protest this is no gag! [>Spread your hands here.>] 'Tis but a poor contrivance of mine own To shield the mouth against encroaching suds. Refreshing, Sir, indeed, this change of weather, And seasonable for the time of year. The birds, I understand, are passing shy. You are a sportsman, so I take it, Sir? And, though I may not boast myself a Nimrod, I am no stranger to the keen delight Of one who views some flutterer in his snare. [>A double meaning to this.>] But one more knot — and now.... [>Here you stride to a position in front of the chair, which you survey with folded arms, and the smile of a mocking fiend.>] My feigning's done! Writhe as you will, I have you at my mercy. Baldwin McAssir, we have met at last! [>In a terrible voice.>] You know me not? Regard me! [>Strike a good firm attitude here.>] I am He Bereft by you of Bandolina's love! Aha! I see you quail at last — at last! [>Nod violently several times.>] Yet fear not I should stoop to seek your life — My vengeance shall be sated on your hair. By that alone you have supplanted me, And that I doom to perish past recall! [>Here you point towards the ceiling with cold sinister determination.>] Cast up your eyes to yonder whirling wheel: Then — mark this brush; 'tis set with bristling wires, And frivollers term it my "Chevaux de Frizz," — No matter, these revolving teeth shall rake The curls that Bandolina oft caressed — But shall again — no more! You like the prospect? Then, hear me further: I have fluids here, Elixirs for evolving latent hair. With others christened (in some franker mood) "Depilatory agents" — scarce less potent, Upon your helpless head I'll pour them all! [>Arm raised in wild menace.>] Nay, though you smile defiance through your gag, I swear to lay that haughty crest so low That never may it soar in pride again! A truce to words — to action!... Still that smile, So bitter, yet so calm — it maddens me! I'll stay my hand no longer... [>Violent plunge with right arm — after which you recoil from the chair with a stagger, gazing aghast at some object you are supposed to be holding in your outstretched hand.>] Juggling fiend, Was this the secret of your dauntless port, And could my practised eye be so deceived? Oh, this is gall and bitterness indeed! [>Here you cover your eyes for a moment, and then return to the chair with a resignation full of gloomy dignity.>] Yet, seeing I am thus forestalled by Fate, I do renounce my purpose — since I must. [>With bitter scorn.>] Take back your wig, McAssir, go in peace! Nay more, in token that my heart is changed, I'll coax it into comeliness anew. [>Business here.>] Permit me to unbind you; you are free, And owe me but a trifle — eighteenpence; Pay at the counter as you pass, I beg; [>Gesture of haughty refusal.>] There are no toilet requisites you need? [>With chilling courtesy.>] Farewell, then — you have nothing more to fear. [>Here you watch your rival's exit with a fixed scowl.>] Thus ends my vengeance, as an idle dream, Yet, no, 'tis but deferred with interest. [>You conclude with a biting apostrophe to your intended victim.>] Back to your Bandolina, plumaged daw! Be bald, but resolute in your deceit, And let her learn upon her honeymoon Have you have drawn — without a single hair. Then I shall be avenged! ha-ha! avenged! [>Stalk off moodily — and let soembody else remove the chair.>]